Life-ruining heartbreak referred to as 'my then girlfriend'

A MAN respectfully refers to the devastating heartbreak which sent his life spiralling into a black despair from which it may never recover as his ‘then girlfriend’.

31-year-old Tom Booker skirts over how he spent months weeping in the foetal position before moving back in with his parents by referring to the woman who wiped her arse on his dreams using the most neutral language possible.

He said: “I was her boyfriend. We were together for six years. We are not together anymore. Those are the facts.

“I could call her the woman who squandered the best years of my life and still owes me £2,500, but that would sound bitter. Even the word ‘ex’ sounds so final. ‘My then girlfriend’ is much fairer and doesn’t scare off dates. They’re scared off by other factors.

“The only downside is that some people think ‘my then girlfriend’ means ‘my now wife’, a mistake they quickly realise when I break down in tears and once again relive the terrible events of that holiday to the Isle of Wight.

“No, just as politicians use dehumanising euphemisms like ‘collateral damage’, I refer to the woman I thought I would grow old and die with using the most clinical language possible. Her name? Still too painful to speak.”

Date Eleanor Shaw said: “Wow, that’s great. I’m just nipping to the loo, taking my bag and coat with me.”

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How to chat up birds: dating advice from a scaffolder

OI! MATE! Yeah you, across the street. Having trouble meeting birds? Sad bastard. Here’s how to tell her you’re emotionally available by shouting from three storeys up: 

Don’t be afraid to make the first approach

It don’t matter if she’s walking the dog, out for a jog, or working as an inspector of public works: women want men to chat them up. They’re flattered. If a woman is alone in public, it’s basically a come-on and it’ll make her day if you get her attention with a wolf-whistle and follow up with a few hip thrusts.

Show you’re body positive

Celebrate the female form in all its beauty by yelling to the neighbourhood about how much you like a passing woman’s arse. Support the movement to free the nipple by yelling for her to get her tits out. If she seems confused by this, remind her she loves it.

Express your concern for her mental health

If you see a bird looking right miserable, tell her to smile. Modern women suffer great stress and anxiety because of the bloody patriarchy and this is a sure-fire way to boost her mood. It’s a public service, son – even if she doesn’t climb the ladder for a shag there and then, you’ve cheered her up for the next man.

Make eye contact

Remember, any eye contact with a woman means she fancies you. Even if she catches your eye and then immediately looks away swearing under her breath, this just means she’s so turned on, she can’t bear to look at you for more than a second in case she comes.

Open with a joke

Scaffolders spend all day with big tools, hard wood and showing how well they can screw. It would take a heart of stone not not to make crude sexual innuendos. In case she doesn’t get it, because subtle humour can be lost yelling over 100yds and two lanes of traffic, grab your crotch while asking how she’d like to ride your steel pole.

Show you know how to have fun

Demonstrate that you’re not all work by offering her a spliff and a snort of coke off your van key, if she should happen to catch you on break. Sends out that ‘work hard play hard’ vibe. Ask where she lives so you can bring the booze and gear round later.

Learn to cope with rejection

If some slag gives you the brush off just for passing the time of day, don’t worry about it. There’ll be another fit bird coming along any second, gagging to hear a crude remark about her genitals. Trust me. I’m a scaffolder.