A MAN respectfully refers to the devastating heartbreak which sent his life spiralling into a black despair from which it may never recover as his ‘then girlfriend’.
31-year-old Tom Booker skirts over how he spent months weeping in the foetal position before moving back in with his parents by referring to the woman who wiped her arse on his dreams using the most neutral language possible.
He said: “I was her boyfriend. We were together for six years. We are not together anymore. Those are the facts.
“I could call her the woman who squandered the best years of my life and still owes me £2,500, but that would sound bitter. Even the word ‘ex’ sounds so final. ‘My then girlfriend’ is much fairer and doesn’t scare off dates. They’re scared off by other factors.
“The only downside is that some people think ‘my then girlfriend’ means ‘my now wife’, a mistake they quickly realise when I break down in tears and once again relive the terrible events of that holiday to the Isle of Wight.
“No, just as politicians use dehumanising euphemisms like ‘collateral damage’, I refer to the woman I thought I would grow old and die with using the most clinical language possible. Her name? Still too painful to speak.”
Date Eleanor Shaw said: “Wow, that’s great. I’m just nipping to the loo, taking my bag and coat with me.”