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Man asks woman's cat for permission to marry

A MAN has wisely asked his girlfriend’s cat for permission to marry her.

Nathan Muir consulted Nikki Hollis’ grey tabby cat Mr Wiggles because he felt he could not go against the wishes of such an important authority figure in her life. 

Muir said: ‘Nikki looks up to Mr Wiggles in a weird paternalistic way. She asks him questions and takes any meow as an affirmation or rejection.

“The cat rules her life to the extent that Nikki consults him on everything from politics to savings plans. She asked him if I should be clean-shaven instead of sporting a beard. Mr Wiggles appeared to meow in favour of the first, so now my face is naked and cold. 

“But I totally understand why she wanted me to do the traditional thing of asking the cat for her hand in marriage. When the time came I was quite nervous, and I had to wait for Mr Wiggles to wake from one of his many naps and give his balls a good lick. 

“I’d bought him a catnip-infused cloth mouse, but Nikki said that was going too far. Mr Wiggles might think I was creeping and lose respect.”

Hollis said: “Unfortunately Mr Wiggles had doubts about Nathan marrying me and living with us, and when Nathan asked him I was forced to interpret the answer as ‘no’.”

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Carol Kirkwood: 'From now on, weather won't affect me'

RETIRING BBC presenter Carol Kirkwood has announced that after 28 years of weather, she and it are no longer involved in any way.

The 63-year-old has been the weather presenter of BBC Breakfast since 2010, but says retirement means she is taking ‘a clean break’ from weather because they ‘need some time off from each other’.

She continued: “I assure you the feeling’s mutual. The meteorological state of the UK won’t have me prying into its business every morning, and in return it’s leaving me in peace!

“Until further notice, rain won’t get me wet. Sun won’t dazzle me. An overnight drop in temperature coupled with wind chill that, in my previous role, would have me warning everyone to ‘wrap up warm’? Nothing to do with me.

“I can garden in a bikini in January or wear my big parka to Sicily in August, knowing weather’s staying well away. It’ll be a real relief not having it on my mind all the time. Will I go back to being affected by weather? Oh, maybe in a decade.

“The difficult part will be making small talk with other Britons. ‘Another wet bank holiday,’ they’ll say, and I’ll have to respond that it’s not really any of my business anymore so it’s actually a bit awkward bringing it up.”

She added: “It wasn’t one thing that ended it with me and weather, just the accumulation of a thousand little lies. It didn’t cuck me like it did Michael Fish.”

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