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How to win back a partner you very publicly dumped: A guide for the UK

HAVE you ditched your significant other in dramatic fashion but now realise you want them back? Win them over with this guide.

Admit you regret leaving

You need to show your ex you’ve done some reflection and realised it was wrong of you to part ways. You thought that being rid of them would free you up to meet exciting new partners, but instead you got shackled to a deranged narcissist who treats you like shit. This and a few months of pathetic grovelling should woo your ex back out of pity.

Remind them of the good times

Yes, your break-up was ugly, but that doesn’t define the whole relationship. Ask them to remember the good bits, like when they initially rejected your advances, all the times you refused to go along with their demands, and how you’d openly ridicule everything they stood for over the course of decades. Once they recall these wonderful moments they’ll come running back to you.

Shower them with compliments

Don’t be afraid to lay it on thick. Given how you broke up it’s the least you can do. Superficial compliments such as praising their financial generosity will help, but if you really want to win their heart tell them how good and kind they are as a person, for example their strong belief in freedom of movement for all citizens. Even if they suspect you don’t really mean it they’ll still appreciate the effort.

Make a grand gesture

Words are cheap. If they don’t align with your actions they’ll appear hollow. A big gesture will impress your ex, even if it feels like you’re betraying yourself in the process. Yes, adopting their currency goes against your core principles, but do you want to forever be left on the shelf of geopolitics? Didn’t think so. Abase yourself now.

Tell them you’ve changed

Your ex won’t take you back if you’re the same person as when you left. Thankfully your life has gone to shit ever since you stormed out. You’ve tried to shift the blame but you can’t avoid the fact that breaking up was the stupidest decision you ever made. There’s a strong chance they’ll take you back once they see you’re a knackered shadow of your former self. And you’re certainly that right now.

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Sexy Nazis, and other fictional moon hazards that make Artemis seem a bit lame

THE Artemis mission is underway, but space travel has been ruined by sci-fi. Try not to yawn as the astronauts send back incredible images of our moon, and not these things:

Decepticons 

In Transformers: The Dark of the Moon Decepticons are hiding on the moon. What will we see during the Artemis mission? Just a boring grey sphere. Come on NASA, next time show us some giant robots beating the f**k out of each other in a way that’s too confusing for your brain to process. That’s where the bar is set.

Sexy Nazis 

Artemis can’t hope to live up to Iron Sky, which asks the fascinating question: what if Nazis went to the moon, and some of them were really hot? Luckily if there is a real Nazi moonbase it will be easy for NASA to spot due to being shaped like a massive swastika. Which seems an unnecessary architectural flourish when you’ve got to build it wearing SS-themed spacesuits.

Clones of yourself 

In Moon a moonbase operative discovers he is just one of hundreds of expendable clones with a lifespan of three years. If the Artemis astronauts were told mid-flight they were clones and about to die it would be an amazing reveal and make up for all the boring bits. Something to consider next time, NASA?

A massive face

It’s not explicitly stated that the giant moon face in Georges Méliès pioneering 1902 film A Trip to the Moon is hostile, but it would f**king freak you out. To be honest the most horrifying thing about the Artemis mission is imagining their high-tech space toilet breaking and ‘piss bubbles’ floating around everywhere. Don’t even think about number twos.

A psychopathic robot 

During the current mission the moon is unlikely to be blown out of its orbit by exploding radioactive waste, as it is in the scientifically rigorous 1970s TV show Space: 1999. As such the crew are unlikely to be tormented by a robot called ‘Brian the Brain’ who conducts sadistic experiments to attempt to understand the puzzling human emotion known as ‘love’. Which we can all agree is a shame, albeit a bit cheesy.

Cat-Women

Cat-Women of the Moon sadly never explains why moon-dwelling women in leotards are in some way cats, but the Artemis astronauts won’t be encountering any such threat, and will mainly just be checking boring computer screens. At least there’s no risk of cat-women using human women to take over the Earth, although that was probably a more terrifying idea in 1953.

It’s all a hoax

Such is the premise of Capricorn One, and a massive conspiracy going right to the top would liven up the Artemis crew doing space stuff we’ve all seen before. If they then had to avoid being hunted down and killed as part of a cover-up that would be even better. Hell, if the mission had happened a couple of years ago they could have sent OJ Simpson with them for extra dramatic tension.

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