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Man can't wait until kids are gone so he can like them again

A FATHER cannot wait until his children are back at school so he can love them just the way he used to do. 

48-year-old Joe Turner, a homeworking architect, has taken to mistily recalling how much he once adored his two children whenever he gets a moment’s peace from them being around all the f**king time.

He said: “I never realised how important the six-hour school day was to my love. And clubs. And evening activities like scouts.

“It turns out when they’re sharing a living and working space with me for six weeks, alternating whinging about how bored they are with demanding stuff, my affection becomes a deep, abiding irritation at every aspect of their presence. Especially their voices.

“I’ve been on a fortnight’s holiday with them, I’ve been on days out to the seaside and museums and walks in the hills, I’ve got an absolute shitload of treasured memories I’m ready to sort through whenever I get a bloody break.

“Can they not just piss off? Go and play in a park or on waste ground or in a fenced-off, condemned building like I used to? What did the Famous Five do in their summer holidays? Got kidnapped by smugglers? Works for me.”

He added: “Oh Christ, they want to bake a cake. The little bastards.”

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'Dickheads' and other more accurate terms to describe performative males

MEN who insincerely adopt female-friendly behaviours to attract women have been labelled ‘performative males’. However these far better terms exist:

Dickheads

Why dress up men with shallow feminine interests in flowery language? You wouldn’t call a cheater an ‘amorous adventurer’, so why give inauthentic blokes pretending to like feminist bands a clever-sounding title? The most direct description is often the best, and in the case of men who pretend to be cultured and sensitive to try to get into your pants, the appropriate word is ‘dickhead’.

Toxic twats

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a man carrying a tote bag and proudly reading feminist literature. Other men may think he’s a bit of a ponce, but so long as he’s doing it of his own accord it’s not exactly pure evil. The problem with performative males is that they’re only doing these things in order to do very unprogressive things in the bedroom, making them twats of the toxic persuasion.

Sneaky shits

Performative males may be dickheads, but it shouldn’t be overlooked that they’re also devious. Instead of trying to bluster their way into a woman’s bed with male bravado, they’ve studied the dating landscape and opted for an underhanded strategy. One that a worrying number of men might be tempted to try if they weren’t too embarrassed to buy a Labubu doll.

Fake beta bastards

Phoney performative males have ruined being a thoughtful, sensitive man for all of the genuine beta cucks out there. Baggy knitwear and owning a cat was all these mild-mannered blokes had in their sexual armoury, and now that’s been forever trashed by youthful trendy knobheads who drink matcha tea and pretend to understand Mary Wollstonecraft.

Regrettably attractive

For women, one of the worst things about performative males is that they can bypass their better judgement and come across as regrettably attractive. Yes, everything they do is superficial, but some of them look a bit like Timothée Chalamet. And compared to the other oddballs and would-be pick-up artists on the dating market they’re among the most harmless. So long as you ignore that weird sense of fakeness you can’t quite put your finger on.

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