THIS week Trump’s cabinet could be seen engaging in some blatant brown-nosing. It was sickening, but maybe some sycophancy would advance your career and personal interests too? Try this.
‘May I take this opportunity to recognise your superb leadership?’
This is an absolutely nauseating thing to say to the pointless mediocrity who is your boss. But if he or she is as stupid and egotistical as Trump it could be good for your career. Sure it’s demeaning, but Pam Bondi seems to be doing fine without an atom of self-respect.
‘You are a girlfriend respected the world over’
Exactly how your extremely ordinary girlfriend you share a flat with in Reading has reached an international audience is unclear, but it’s still a compliment. And as such may unlock benefits such as lifts, meals and blowjobs. The only downside is that if she’s thick enough to fall for it you are basically going out with a vegetable.
‘You are doing an incredible job of cleaning the toilet’
Partners, housemates, parents – all should know how much you respect their toilet-cleaning skills. Will you be cleaning the toilet occasionally too? No, you could never hope to match their grace and artistry while wielding a shit-infested bog brush.
‘Thank you for the opportunity to work with you’
A pretty clunky attempt at flattery, but words cost nothing so it’s well worth trying on someone you fancy at work. Is that a delighted smile or an agonised grimace of embarrassment on their face? Hard to to tell, because you’re not as practised at arse-licking as Kristi Noem.
‘I have taken action on your dislike of Marmite’
Environment chief Lee Zeldin made a point of saying he was acting on Trump’s imaginary grievance about low water pressure. You too can ingratiate yourself with people with meaningless gestures, such as hiding the jar of Marmite because your boyfriend hates it. Yes, it’s utterly pointless but how considerate a girlfriend who deserves nice presents are you?
‘Sir, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability’
Probably a bit excessive for the bloke who’s just delivered your Domino’s pizza, but they sometimes give you free dips. And it’s nice to pay tribute to one of the great lickspittles, George Galloway.
‘Mike, you’re in such good shape I guess you don’t need to go to the gym’
Several of Trump’s cabinet have been participating in a ‘fitness challenge’, prompting Dalek-voiced weirdo RFK Jr. to say Trump was already very fit because he is so brilliant at golf. This makes zero sense but is an effective bit of toadying, so try something similar. Is your mate Mike actually a fat bastard who should not be discouraged from exercising? Yes. Do you want him to help you move flat next weekend? Also yes.
‘If anyone deserves the Nobel Peace Prize it’s you, Dad’
What has your dad contributed to world peace? Nothing, so in a sense more than Donald Trump who bombed Iran and refuses to end the war in Ukraine. Even so, your father in no way deserves a peace prize, but hopefully your fawning will cause him to get you a less shit Christmas present this year than a pair of woolly gloves.
