Man dumps girlfriend after catching her checking out baby

A MAN has ended his relationship after seeing his girlfriend of nine months openly admiring a baby. 

After 31-year-old Nathan Muir saw Nicki Hollis ogling the chubby body of a five-month-old infant in a park on Saturday, he realised they had no future together.

He said: “It’s the disrespect that gets me. Just gawking at it, tongue hanging out, when I was right there.

“I’m not naive. I get that women will occasionally think about babies, even when they’re in a relationship with a man who prefers kiteboarding, but eyeing one up like that is bang out of order.

“Sometimes in the past I caught her sly glances at a particularly sweet-looking toddler, but she was always discreet. This time, she was literally turning her head around to stare and even giving a little wave.

“If I hadn’t been there, if she’d been out with her girlfriends, there might have been an approach, touching, chatting, a besotted ‘coochie coo’, dangling it on her knee. Then she’d be in bed with me, making love, thinking about chubby cheeks and adorable little booties.

“I challenged her on it. She said every woman sometimes fantasises about babies. If that’s true it’s sickening.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Chinese spies were checking MPs they'd bought were working

THE so-called Chinese spies in Westminster were only checking the MPs they had purchased were operating correctly, China has explained. 

A spokesman for the People’s Republic admitted a few researchers were paid agents of the Chinese state but were merely performing due diligence on the MPs they legally own.

He continued: “Let us be honest. British workmanship is not the best. Would you buy a UK-made smartphone? Exactly.

“So where we have no option but to purchase products manufactured in your country, like these politicians, we employ maintenance teams to give them regular tune-ups and make sure they are voting right. Otherwise you’d be surprised how often they go haywire.

“After all we own huge swathes of this country, from real estate to supply chains to water companies, and our investments are hardly safe in your hands, are they? Brexit? Johnson? Truss? Hmm?”

He added: “Your prime minister, Mr Sunak, confronted our premier Li Qiang about this at the G20. At one point he went quite red in the face, but remembered who he was speaking to and apologised.”