Man in new relationship does all his farts in the park

A MAN in a four-month-old relationship is still breaking wind in the local park.

Tom Booker has been dating Joanna Kramer since May, during which time he has tightly clenched his sphincter to avoid releasing a foul odour that would have killed their love instantly.

Booker said: “I’m not sure what the socially acceptable time frame is for letting one go in front of your girlfriend. She hasn’t even met my parents yet, so it’s definitely too early for her to meet some of my more creative smells.

“Thank god I live fairly close to a park where I can go once a day and just let it absolutely fucking rip.

“She’ll find out eventually, but I need the illusion that I don’t have normal bodily functions to last a little longer. Maybe just until I say ‘I love you’.”

Girlfriend Kramer said: “Tom’s great, but I just wish he felt comfortable enough with me to break wind once in a while.

“I have to fart in the park.”

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Are you watching Bodyguard or is there something wrong with you?

EVERYONE is glued to sexy thriller Bodyguard, episode five of which is shown tonight on BBC1, but what about those few malcontents and weirdos who are not watching it?

What’s wrong with them, and are you one of these freaks? Find out immediately:

Bodyguard, a pulse-pounding tale of a home secretary and her affair with her assigned protection officer, is: 

A) An incredible rollercoaster ride of passion and excitement I wouldn’t miss a single moment of.
B) Sounds bollocks. Like something you’d watch on a long-haul flight. Also my vision is blurry, I’m sweating heavily and I have a temperature.

Is glamorous Julia Montague’s relationship with sexy DS David Budd genuine? 

A) He could easily be a terrorist faking falling for her in order to win her confidence, or is that a red herring? It’s so FUCKING EXCITING!
B) I don’t care and I’m surprised this is a BBC thing because it sounds like ITV shit. Though it’s hard to concentrate through this blinding headache and nausea.

Can the home secretary really be dead, or is it a red herring to draw the terrorists’ moles in government out into the open? 

A) We didn’t see a body, but surely she wouldn’t betray the man she loves by faking her own death? Or is he part of the plot?
B) Please stop talking about Bodyguard and call 999. I’m suffering severe stomach cramps and keep blacking out. I need help desperately.

How many more twists and turns can this gripping series have? Will there be a sequel? 

A) Gosh I hope so, I can’t get enough of Jed Mercurio’s intricately-plotted dramas. It’s like a British 24 from when it was good!
B) Tell… tell my family I… please…


Mostly A: You’re a Bodyguard fanatic who spends every waking moment discussing what could be in the briefcase, who that shadowy figure in the wings was and Budd’s conflicted loyalties. Can’t wait for tonight!!!!!

Mostly B: You have suffered a shutdown of your bodily functions, causing you to be placed in a medically-induced coma. Doctors believe that your only hope is an intravenous infusion of top-rated Sunday night drama, Bodyguard.