Man not attractive or rich enough to act like dickhead

AN ARSEHOLE is not nearly hot or wealthy enough to justify his prickish behaviour, it has been confirmed.

Josh Hudson, 42, from Bristol, is a four-out-of-ten in both looks and personality but still carries himself with the swagger of a man who believes he has a lot to offer.

Colleague Emma Bradford said: “The way he goes on you’d think he looks like Brad Pitt, or was at least minted, but the truth is he’s got a face like a dog’s arse and drives a 22-year-old Nissan Micra.

“He hasn’t grasped the fundamental rule of life that says people will only tolerate bellends when they’re really good looking or absolutely loaded. Because who’s going to take that sort of shit from someone who’s ugly and broke?

“He asked me out once. I told him to get stuffed and he just laughed and said ‘Your loss, babe’. I could almost admire him for his colossal ability for self-delusion, if it didn’t make him a massive wanker.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “He’s always been an arrogant twat, despite having precisely nothing to back it up with.

“Why am I friends with him? Mostly because I also have a tendency to be a bit of an arse, and he makes me look like a humble, pleasant person by comparison.”

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A History of the Twitter Flame Wars, 2006-2022

A PROLONGED and gruelling era of interpersonal conflict is to end as Elon Musk buys and dooms Twitter. This is its history.

2006: Twitter founded

A load of tech blokes rush in and steal all the good names while trading 10,000 Bitcoin for a dollar.

2009: Twitter grows

Journalists colonise Twitter like noisy seabirds. Stephen Fry will tweet you back. Graham Linehan is a popular follow. This golden age, when journalists played witty Beatles-pun games without being bothered by normies, will never be forgotten. Trump joins Twitter.

2014: Gamergate

Too-online teenagers with anime avatars invade the site having heard there’s enemies you can shoot. Twitter discovers it loves a fight in 140 characters or less and resolves to start one in every community. Rise of Trump continues.

2016: Trump gets elected

The thing that the people of Twitter feared most and did most to achieve happens when Trump becomes president. It couldn’t have happened without Twitter, so Twitter users redouble their efforts.

2017: Twitter goes up to 280 characters

You can now write twice as much so naturally this becomes the GIF era. Everyone accuses everyone else of arguing in bad faith and everyone is right. Knitter fights knitter, K-pop stan fights K-pop stan, quote-tweet pile-ons become the norm. Graham Linehan is no longer a popular follow.

2020: Mask off

The expressions ‘do your thing, Twitter’ meaning ‘ruin this person’s life and get them fired’, and ‘the main character of Twitter’ meaning ‘the person having their life ruined and getting fired today’, become popular. Twitter users continue to believe they are righteous dudes. Elon Musk likes that idea.

2022: Musk buys Twitter

The very thing the people of Twitter feared most once again happens – what is with that? – and Musk buys Twitter. Users tweet about it incessantly to boost profits for the man they hate most in all the world. A troll says nasty shit and they reward him with 350,000 quote tweets. Everyone threatens to leave the platform but no one does.