Sunday, 9th August 2020

Man ruins relationship by celebrating one month anniversary

A MAN has ended his new relationship by celebrating its one month anniversary, it has emerged.

Jack Browne was recently dumped by Lauren Hewitt after he showered her with saccharine gifts and a handmade card to celebrate four weeks since she matched with him on Hinge.

Browne said: “Turns out there’s a fine line between making sweet romantic gestures and coming across like a tragic clingy loser, and this time I got it wrong.

“Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I thought women would appreciate a man who can make their portrait out of dried pasta. And getting ‘Jack and Lauren together forever’ embroidered onto a large teddy bear wasn’t exactly easy given the pandemic.

“Could it be that the idea of committing her entire future to a guy she barely knows spooked her? She didn’t strike me as the fickle type.”

Hewitt said: “Real anniversaries are named after fancy metals or precious stones to reflect their importance. If you celebrated after a month it would be called your ‘Netflix free trial anniversary’.  

“I was grateful for the pasta though. That shit’s like gold dust these days.”