Man ruins relationship by celebrating one month anniversary

A MAN has ended his new relationship by celebrating its one month anniversary, it has emerged.

Jack Browne was recently dumped by Lauren Hewitt after he showered her with saccharine gifts and a handmade card to celebrate four weeks since she matched with him on Hinge.

Browne said: “Turns out there’s a fine line between making sweet romantic gestures and coming across like a tragic clingy loser, and this time I got it wrong.

“Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I thought women would appreciate a man who can make their portrait out of dried pasta. And getting ‘Jack and Lauren together forever’ embroidered onto a large teddy bear wasn’t exactly easy given the pandemic.

“Could it be that the idea of committing her entire future to a guy she barely knows spooked her? She didn’t strike me as the fickle type.”

Hewitt said: “Real anniversaries are named after fancy metals or precious stones to reflect their importance. If you celebrated after a month it would be called your ‘Netflix free trial anniversary’.  

“I was grateful for the pasta though. That shit’s like gold dust these days.”

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Science is bollocks, confirms Johnson

THE prime minister has announced that science is a load of bollocks only metropolitan liberal elitists believe in. 

Boris Johnson said scientific opinions such as the two-metre rule are prejudiced nonsense invented by eggheads who need to wake up and live in the real world.

He continued: “Professor Chris Whitty. What a wanker.

“He thinks he’s got the authority to tell Britons brave and true how to live their lives, just because he’s got a load of letters after his name. 

“The coronavirus is tiny. Two metres is like a million miles to it. But we’re expected to imagine it can fly that far, on the say-so of a load of white-coated charlatans? 

“You know what I trust in? Good old British common sense, the kind you can’t discover in a laboratory test-tube, and that’s what we’ll be relying on from now on. Metres are EU nonsense anyway. 

“Whenever a scientist tries to speak, boo and throw rotten fruit at the stuck-up twat. Okay, over to you Sir Patrick Vallance.”