Man spends all of first, second, third dates and subsequent relationship talking about himself

A MAN has spent all his initial dates with his partner and their subsequent 18-month relationship without ever changing the subject from himself. 

Nathan Muir, aged 28, spent the entire first date with Emma Bradford talking about how much he earned, how fast his car goes and his issues with Manchester United’s midfield, as is customary.

But instead of asking her cursory questions about her life and not listening to the answers, on subsequent dates and the relationship that followed he continued to expound on his tattoos, hopes and dreams, childhood illnesses and the proper chronology of Star Wars.

Emma said: “In a year and a half, Nathan’s treated me to his views on everything from bitcoin to the correct amount for women to drink to the novels of Sven Hassel. Meanwhile he doesn’t know what I do for a job or if I have a sister.

“It’s almost heroic how he’s just bulldozed through the initial getting-to-know-each-other period by not concerning himself with it at all, choosing instead to regale me with a full outline of his achievements in Halo games.

“It’s actually relaxing. I don’t have to talk or pay attention. He’s basically like all men, without the irritating charade of pretending to be interested. And he buys me flowers. At least I think they’re for me, he was on the phone when he passed them along.”

Muir said: “Emma? Lovely lass. Great listener.”

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We haven't learnt from history, says Italy

THE birthplace of fascism appears to have forgotten how that ended last time and have elected another far-right leader, it has emerged.

Italy has announced it has no recollection of machine-gunning any fascist prime minister, nor publicly hanging the body to be pelted with vegetables, as it ushers Giorgia Meloni into power.

Italian Francesco Fornacieri said: “Benito who? Never heard of him. When did you say he was around? 1922 to 1945? Oh.

“Italy came through World War Two fine, so we must have been the good guys. I’ve not read up on the details because when your country’s on the right side of history you don’t have to.

“Is that why Europe’s freaking out about this election? Are you sure it’s not because they’re misogynists? The establishment’s just rattled to see a hard-right girlboss in power.

“Anyway, Mussolini was fine until he hooked up with other European demagogues during a continental war for territory against the backdrop of a worldwide economic collapse. So no need for concern. History never repeats itself, after all.”

Tom Booker from Portsmouth said: “I’m surprised and disappointed with Italy. You’d never catch the UK falling into the trap of allowing a female right-wing ideologue devoid of integrity into power. No way.”