A MAN is blaming his lack of sex on the pandemic, even though physical restrictions ended several months ago.
Stephen Malley remains unfazed about not having engaged in sexual intercourse since a brief fumble in December 2019, because in his mind the pandemic still means that shagging is off limits.
Malley said: “Yeah, it’s been a while since I enjoyed my signature two-and-a-half minutes of mechanically pneumatic missionary sex, but rules are rules.
“If it wasn’t for bloody Covid my knob would probably be worn down to a nub through overuse. Instead I’ve got to wait until the whole planet’s vaccinated and we’re given the all clear, which could take another year. It’s quite frustrating.
“I dated some women when case numbers were down, but they always ended with her saying that we need to control our throbbing biological instincts in order to protect the NHS. Then I never hear from them again.”
Date Nikki Hollis said: “His deluded innocence is so charming it almost makes me want to ignore the rest of his terrible personality and shag him. Almost.”