Married couple finally put sex on to-do list

A MARRIED couple with young kids are finally getting round to sorting out their genitals and have put ‘sex’ on the to-do list.

Martin and Nikki Hollis, who believe they last had sex sometime during Game Of Thrones Series 7, just need to tick off ‘organise coats’ and ‘pay water bill’ and they be getting at it.

Nikki Hollis said: “Martin accidentally slipped out of the front of his boxer shorts last week and my first reaction was to tidy it away.

“I’m not saying our life is now an exhausting series of domestic duties, childcare and work, it’s not, we also have Netflix.

“We both agreed we should make the effort. I said I’ll need to be romanced and he promised to clean the microwave which has genuinely got me very aroused.”

Martin Hollis said: “I believe we should be having sex sometime this weekend. We’re just negotiating who will be on the bottom and gets to have a bit of a lie down as well.”

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Channel 4 staff launch investigation into what 'Leeds' is

CHANNEL 4 staff have begun an urgent investigation into where and what ‘Leeds’ is.  

As the company announced that it would be opening new headquarters in the city, hundreds of baffled London-based media professionals began a frantic fact-finding mission.

Executive Tom Booker said: “We sent a colleague that way once to report on Brexit, but all we got back was his nose so we just assumed they’d eaten the rest of him.”

Social media content curator Nikki Hollis added: “Do they even have ironic speakeasy-style nightspots there? Mixed-media creative hubs?

“If it doesn’t have a cereal cafe I’m not going.”

Meanwhile, the people of Leeds were delighted by the announcement, and promptly tripled the price of everything in preparation.