Mum would rather son never got round to thank-you letter than send a thank-you text

A MOTHER has admitted that it will hurt not to receive a thank you letter from her 29-year-old son, but not as badly as receiving a thank you text. 

Mary Fisher is praying son Oliver takes the time to hand-write a thoughtful letter, or if that is not possible that he at least has the manners not to send a crappy WhatsApp message.

She said: “I spent a lot of money, time and trouble on Oliver. So I hope he’ll suffer the inconvenience of licking an envelope and coming up with a natty comment about how he hopes the world will go back to normal this year.

“But failing that, I hope he at least will have the good manners not to acknowledge it at all, rather than cheapen my Christmas by reducing it to a text. That’s unacceptable.

“How does he think it reflects on my parenting? When he sends a thumbs-up emoji to my sister and my nieces sent beautiful handwritten notelets every Easter? Better nothing than that crass modernity.”

Oliver Fisher said: “I banged out all my thank you texts to my aunties, my godmother and my mum’s neighbour Sue in less than five minutes. Though the biggest thanks should go to the person who invented copy and paste.

“I’m going to DM Mum on Facebook though, because she likes it to be special. And I’ll use a flowery background so she knows I’ve put thought into it.”

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We'll be taking our usual second bank holiday today, admits horrendously hungover Scotland

SCOTLAND has once again admitted that it cannot return to work until tomorrow because it overdid it massively at New Year. 

While the rest of the UK is back at its desks, everyone north of the border is still curled up in a darkened room begging their f**king heads to stop f**king throbbing.

Bill McKay of Kirkcaldy said: “Dear God. Ah Jesus. The pain. The pain won’t stop.

“Aye, we’ll not be able to make it to the office today, just like last year and all the other years. I know it’s four days since New Year but the suffering appears to be unending.

“You might be alright with one bank holiday, you English lightweights, but honestly what starts out as Hogmanay always turns into a full-on session. A single Monday off’s no use after a mad one.

“Don’t mind us. Do your pissy little jobs or whatever and keep the noise down. You can all have a head start on 2022 so you can buy big houses in the Cotswolds as long as you don’t give us any shit.

“F**k, my head. That’s mixing Bells and Irn Bru for you. Every f**king year.”