'My other half' and other fucking dreadful ways to describe your partner

IS ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ too vanilla for your partner? Does your one-of-a-kind love warrant a more stupendous, sickening title? 

‘My other half’

There’s nothing like the suggestion that you’re incomplete without your partner to get people retching. Especially if you’ve been seeing each other for a fortnight and all you know about him is his name and how many brothers he has. If you don’t have any self-worth, you could always call him ‘my better half’. That’s usually reserved for men, though.

‘My significant other’

This sounds impressive, but it’s also disturbingly vague. Lots of terrible things are significant, like bankruptcy and the Trail of Tears, so is your girlfriend on the same level as them? Is this your coded way of saying that you’re pining for her but she’s forced you to sleep on the downstairs sofa for a month? It’s slightly more personal than ‘next of kin’, but not much.

‘Hubby/wifey’

If there is a woman in this relationship, she’s completely taken over. The house is filled with kitsch signs and twee coasters with heartfelt quotes written on them. ‘Wifey’ is nothing; at home you use sickening pet names like ‘smoochie-face’, ‘sausage’ and ‘snuggle bunny’. Meanwhile your friends secretly call you ‘whipped’.

‘Babe’

Cute enough if you’re a teenager, cringe-inducing if you’re a proper grown up. Try calling your boyfriend ‘babe’ as an adult and watch all the love they had for you fade from their eyes. That’s unless they’re a gormless lovesick moron as well, in which case you’re perfectly suited to each other, and Tinder is better for you not polluting it.

‘My partner’

This is your safest bet if you want to sound normal, but it does have the strong implication that you’re forming a working relationship. Do you want to share their company, or start a company? Is this a marriage proposal, or a business proposal? Bedsheets or spreadsheets? Blowjobs or key genital-facing roles? 

‘My best friend’

No mates? No problem. Combine your sex and social life into a single person. It’s the one-size-fits-all solution for losers without personalities. Call your partner your ‘best friend’ and it’s clear nobody else can bear you. Even people who call their pets their best friend are ashamed for you.

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Child visiting parent's office given harrowing glimpse into their future

A TRIP to her father’s place of work has offered a young girl a terrifying taste of the mediocre existence she will have as an adult.

Six-year-old Lucy O’Connor was excited to swing on swivel chairs and play in a lift, but instead was greeted with sad people sitting in deathly silence behind computers from the last century.

Father Oliver O’Connor said: “We popped in for the morning as we had a childcare issue but Lucy was bored within ten minutes. There’s only so much time Excel chart colours can entertain a kid with a Nintendo Switch at home.

“She said the office made her feel sad inside, like a black cloud, and I nearly wept myself at her simple childish wisdom. She better make something of herself and not waste her time on an art history degree that inevitably leads to a job in IT sales.

“I don’t want her to find out that the only fun bit of my job is taking an extra-long shit while scrolling my phone. That’s not inspiring for a kid. Oh well, only three decades left to go.”

Parry said: “It was more boring than school and they don’t even have a playground, so I’ve decided I’m not going to grow up. Also, why was everything grey, including the people?”