New dating app for people with massive holes in their earlobes

A NEW DATING app has launched to connect people who have massive, stupid holes in their ears.

Hangr has over 15,000 members, all of whom have completely ruined their ears in thanks to a short-lived fashion trend.

The 2008 style of putting things in your ears that make them look like calamari is estimated to have affected up to 0.5% of Britons. While those impacted are not obliged to disclose their status to potential partners, hiding the symptoms can make for an awkward conversation.

Wearing a beanie with ear flaps, user Stephen Malley said: “I’m always honest with people I meet. Some make their excuses and leave, but you can’t argue with closed-minded idiots.

“Hangr has meant that I can connect with girls who have made the same utterly myopic decision as me, and therefore ruled themselves out of most of the dating pool.”

Nikki Hollis said: “It’s been incredible to date people with whom you share such a grave error in life. It means that, for us, having ears that hang down like a pensioner’s tits isn’t a drawback – it’s a superpower.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Wedding list taking the absolute piss

A COUPLE’S online wedding list has got to be taking the piss, it has been confirmed.

Nathan Muir and Donna Sheridan constructed a list of somehow acceptable gifts and experiences and now expect their friends and family to supply them, no questions asked.

Invited guests have described the move as ‘ridiculous’ and ‘dickheaded’.

Tom Booker said: “I’m taking a day off work because they’re too tight to have it at the weekend. Now they want me to shell out £300 for something called a ‘Couple’s Holistic Energy Re-Centring Afternoon’? Get fucked.”

Mother of the bride Helen Archer said: “Nathan and Donna are living in la-la-land if they think they’re getting a statue of a pug that costs more than my car. I’m going halfers on a kettle.”

Despite the pushback from guests, wedding experts have praised Muir and Sheridan for being upfront and honest in their expectations.

Wedding planner Mary Fisher said: “At least it’s not one of those weddings where people are encouraged to donate to charity or ‘give what they like’. Those ones are really taking the piss.”