How middle-class is your internet history?

YOUR internet history is an open secret to your boss and your partner, apart from suspicious incognito periods, so it needs to reflect your values and aspirations. But is it middle-class enough? 

You’re reading the news, which is allowed at work because nobody’s ever said it isn’t. But what site do you visit?
A) The Guardian
B) Mail Online
C) The Guardian and Mail Online so you can give the perfect, inoffensive reply no matter who you’re talking to.

What clothing sites do you browse?
A) Joules, Fat Face, Berghaus, the usual
B) ASOS, boohoo, PrettyLittleThing, the usual
C) None, you receive the Boden catalogue in the post

How many Wikipedia articles on serial killers do you click in a day?
A) Between six and ten, but only by finding your way there from other subjects leaving a chain of deniability
B) Between 40 and 80, reading the best bits out to colleagues
C) About 100, but only because you’re currently recording your own true crime podcast

When Googling celebrities, what do you search?
A) Age and height
B) Who they’ve shagged
C) If they’re vegan

What is your social media site of choice?
A) Twitter, where I tweet at newspapers accusing them of bias
B) Facebook, where I tell relatives to be more racist
C) I’m on a social media sabbatical for wellness

Mostly As: Yes, you have middle-class habits, political beliefs and income, but you’re still a pathetic hopeful in your inmost soul.

Mostly Bs: Why are you even pretending to be middle class? Why have you done this quiz? Isn’t there a copy of the Puzzler to hand?

Mostly Cs: Your internet history is so middle-class you print it out and leave it casually around for guests to admire. In the downstairs loo.

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Man expert in women's football after four days' dedicated study

A MALE football fan has read four day’s worth of coverage of the FIFA Women’s World Cup and is now an expert, he has confirmed. 

Stephen Malley aged 42, who decided to watch the summer tournament to support women, to battle sexism and because there is no other football on, is now offering punditry free of charge.

He said: “I’ve read all the Guardian’s comprehensive coverage. I’ve skimmed Wikipedia. I can identify at least five of the England players, so I think it’s fair to say that I know my stuff.

“Expect me to loudly critique Neville’s team selection, which is allowed because he’s a man, and to condescendingly enthuse the ‘quality really is approaching Championship level’.

“I’ll then get carried away with England’s chances and once they’re eliminated will act personally affronted before returning to ignoring all women’s football for four years. Or two. Do they have Euros?”

Friend Susan Traherne said: “I told him I fancied the home side, and he struggled for a minute to remember it was France.

“Keep in mind this is a man who said I didn’t really have the right to celebrate Chelsea’s Europa League win because I’d only been supporting them ten years.”