Only advice women ever give is 'dump him'

THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged.

Years of repetition mean that whenever women consult other women about their problems, the reply ‘dump him, babes’ is offered reflexively and without further thought.

Francesca Ryan said: “I’m wondering whether to go for a two-year fixed rate on my mortgage or five years. I asked my friend Tara and she said ‘dump him’.

“Curious, I confronted my friends with a range of issues, ranging from dry scalp to dissatisfaction with my career to a made-up cocaine addiction and the advice was ‘dump him’ every single time, though not once did I mention a man.

“It’s weird, because they all appeared to be listening until that ‘dump him’ moment. Then afterwards they were all plumped up with self-satisfaction, happily adding irrelevant cliched shit like ‘you deserve so much better’ and ‘you’ve got to learn to love yourself first hun’.

“We’ve gone from thinking all a woman needs is to find the right man to thinking all she needs is to dump a toxic asshole without ever once considering life might be about more than whichever dick you’re riding currently.

“Anyway, I dumped my lovely husband of six years, ditched the business we run together, defaulted on the mortgage and am now homeless. I had to. The advice was unanimous.”

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Life-ruining heartbreak referred to as 'my then girlfriend'

A MAN respectfully refers to the devastating heartbreak which sent his life spiralling into a black despair from which it may never recover as his ‘then girlfriend’.

31-year-old Tom Booker skirts over how he spent months weeping in the foetal position before moving back in with his parents by referring to the woman who wiped her arse on his dreams using the most neutral language possible.

He said: “I was her boyfriend. We were together for six years. We are not together anymore. Those are the facts.

“I could call her the woman who squandered the best years of my life and still owes me £2,500, but that would sound bitter. Even the word ‘ex’ sounds so final. ‘My then girlfriend’ is much fairer and doesn’t scare off dates. They’re scared off by other factors.

“The only downside is that some people think ‘my then girlfriend’ means ‘my now wife’, a mistake they quickly realise when I break down in tears and once again relive the terrible events of that holiday to the Isle of Wight.

“No, just as politicians use dehumanising euphemisms like ‘collateral damage’, I refer to the woman I thought I would grow old and die with using the most clinical language possible. Her name? Still too painful to speak.”

Date Eleanor Shaw said: “Wow, that’s great. I’m just nipping to the loo, taking my bag and coat with me.”