Selling their parents' house, and other shit the youngest child can get away with

EVERY parent holds their children to the highest standards, until they get to the last one who’s a precious little darling living a consequence-free life. They get away with this shit: 

Selling the family home

He still lives at home, which is where he breaks the bad news to Mum and Dad that his party-planning business ran up considerable debts secured on the house and it gets repossessed tomorrow. Mum is so proud he tried and they’ll be fine in the static caravan.

Painting their bedroom black

You spent your teenage years with floral wallpaper that cost, as you were ever-reminded, £30 a roll. You couldn’t put a poster up because of the damage Blu-Tac does. Your kid sister paints her room jet-black with a pattern of bat-winged skulls and she’s lauded for helping out around the house.

Getting head-to-toe tattoos

You couldn’t get your ears pierced until you were 16, and even then mum cried because you looked so cheap. Your little brother now has both sleeves, a neck tattoo and is considering facial ink. Both parents agree: isn’t he brave with the needles?

Marrying someone they met six months ago

The entire family is plunged deeply into debt going to a hippy beach wedding in Australia to a girl your youngest brother met six months ago. Everyone agrees they won’t last six months and it’s over in three. Nonetheless, your parents still talk about what a marvellous occasion it was and it’s a shame you can’t settle down.

Being unable to hold down any job

From the abandoned university degree to the entry-level position at Dad’s work to Domino’s to the pub job, she’s quit them all. Your own career is dismissed as easy for someone like you who can turn up on time and follow orders. Your sister’s so much more special than that.

Disowning the family

One of the most profoundly hurtful things you could do to a parent. So much pain caused by you because, let’s face it, you’ll get the blame for him joining that cult.


Actual murder, but the real victim would be the youngest child because they have to sleep in a nasty cold cell. Even if it was you they murdered.

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Reformed lad thinks men should stop objectifying hotties

A MAN who has left his laddish ways behind him is teaching friends that women are more than just hot, sexy bitches. 

Former FHM High Street Honeys voter Ryan Whittaker is being progressive in a retrograde fashion and is now a socially-conscious feminist with an FHM vocabulary.

He said: “I used to think there was nothing more to women than their huge naturals. But now I realise that you can actually talk to quite a few of them, if not most.

“I’ve told my mates to look past a peachy arse, to ignore legs that go all the way up, to eschew heavy handfuls and listen to what those sweet DSLs have to say, like suffragette and solid seven Emmeline Pankhurst fought for in the 60s.”

Friend Jack Browne said: “Ryan demonstrated the male gaze for us, which is eyeing up women, repeatedly all night on Saturday. And saying ‘of course you might be bi, I won’t make heteronormative assumptions’ didn’t seem popular with the birds.

“To be fair he did spend ages talking about feminism to one girl, which was out of character, but then tried to get off with her hot mate who brushed him off, which wasn’t.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I think I preferred the old Ryan who had a Kelly Brook calendar. He was a sexist wanker, but he didn’t mansplain feminism to me.”