Seven sex things middle-aged people can't believe are normal now

8th March 2023

YOU’RE no prude and not even that old, but sex stuff nowadays can seem weird to anyone in their 40s. Here’s what you missed out on – and what the young ‘uns are welcome to.

Making your own porn

Not that long ago your partner would have responded less than enthusiastically to this suggestion, eg. ‘NOT BLOODY LIKELY! WE’RE FINISHED YOU F**KING PERVERT!’ Watching the end result, ie. yourself having sex, is rubbish compared to actually doing it, so if you want to be debased narcissists you go right ahead, young people.

Dick pics

Ladies should rest assured that plenty of men find this utterly weird for many reasons. Not least that you’re likely to instantly scupper any chance of having sex, never mind a fulfilling relationship. More worryingly, unsolicited knob photos are basically the same as flashing someone in a park, but without having to go outside. Is this progress? Surely not.

Anal

Back in the day, the chances of female partners trying this were roughly the same as a snowflake planning a second trip to Hell to make use of the excellent new ice skating facilities. Nowadays Cosmopolitan publishes ‘36 anal sex tips for beginners’. Are there 36 things you have to do? Frankly it’s losing some of its appeal if it’s like assembling an IKEA storage unit.

No one complains anymore

For a generation that remembers the papers screaming ‘Ban this sick filth!’ if Channel 4 showed a nipple in a Ken Russell film at 1am, it’s odd that there’s all manner of banging, blowing and buggery on TV and no one complains anymore. Want to see Keely Hawes wanking at 9.30pm? It’s the Guardian’s TV Pick of the Week.

BDSM

‘Sexperts’ endlessly promote this. Whether it’s to fill space in their crappy Daily Mail articles or genuinely popular is unclear. However it does imply that at least one of you has a f**ked-up desire to be punished or a slightly worrying sadistic streak. What next, ‘sexy’ cigarette burns? An erotic punch in the face? It’s also impossible to discuss bondage in mundane real life. ‘D’you want to brush your teeth before or after I’ve flogged your buttocks red raw?’ is just silly.

Sexting in schools

The very idea of mobile phones in schools is strange, because you know exactly what you’d have done: play computer games all day and fail your exams (men) or text your mates all day and fail your exams (women). Sexting at school takes it to another level, because if it’s not consensual it’s basically a sex crime, and if it is, it’s got f**k all to with crop rotation or the saturation point of copper sulphate solution. Earlier generations suffered and so should you.

Pegging

Could just be a flash in the pan thanks to rumours about a certain royal, or maybe it’s excellent fun and everyone’s doing it. You’ll try anything once so now you just have to cheerfully hand your partner a monstrous strap-on dildo and say ‘Would you mind anally penetrating me with this, sweetie?’ in the same completely normal tone of voice as ‘Would you mind getting a couple of lasagnes out of the freezer?’

A squillion bajillion refugees will come here on safe routes: Five facts about immigration, by Suella Braverman

8th March 2023

IMMIGRANTS are coming to steal our country, and we certainly aren’t making that up to distract you from the shitshow we’ve made of the UK. Here are five facts you need to know.

A squillion bajillion refugees will come here if we have safe, legal routes

If we permit safe routes that stop people risking their lives in small boats, upwards of a squillion bajillion people will arrive. The country would be physically overwhelmed, tip over and sink into the sea. So if you want everyone you love – including pets – to drown, don’t vote Tory and let’s have more immigrants.

Every single one of them wants to come here to do crime

Don’t fall for that bleeding heart liberal rubbish about people escaping war or persecution. The truth is that every single asylum seeker is a master criminal, or a benefits fraudster at the very least. Yes, even the children. Especially the babies. Think they look that cute for no reason? Stop being so naive.

People who whine about human rights are woke nutters hellbent on betraying Britain

Banning refugees from applying for asylum is violating the European Convention on Human Rights. But anyone who puts human rights above the Conservative party’s grubby attempts to win the election with the racist vote is a woke traitor who should be hung, drawn and quartered. Which my next bill will bring back. I often wish I’d been in charge of crime and punishment in the 14th century. Happy times.

They’d be much happier in Rwanda

Honestly, there’s no good reason for refugees coming to the UK. They’d have an absolutely lovely time being flown to Rwanda. It’s much sunnier and that’s more important to people than family connections or speaking the language.

We’re very good at this and our plan is bound to be a success

Speaking of Rwanda, our last genius plan to deal with this issue was an enormous success, despite the fact that no planes have taken off since the first one was grounded by the courts nearly nine months ago. This time it’ll definitely work though. Like Brexit and the 40 hospitals and PPE. Trust us, yet again.