Sex not a present, men reminded

MEN have been given formal notice that, despite how wonderful they find it, sex with them does not count as a gift. 

The warning was issued in advance of this evening and in respect of several previous incidents when a cock has been presented with a metaphorical or, in some cases, literal bow tied around it.

Dr Joanna Kramer said: “Too many men believe they’ve put thought into a Valentine present that’s everything their partners love and value in this world, and it’s them naked.

“Any boyfriend who nods slowly and confidently when asked if they’ve got something special or any husband who says ‘you’ve never had a present like this before, baby’ should be advised that is not a gift. That is a favour we do you.”

Nathan Muir of Wallasey said: “When did the world get so materialistic, that’s what I want to know. All this money on cards declaring how beautiful she is, or on meals out to prove how much I value her. It’s so shallow.

“You know what? I know my wife, and I know that what she values is quality time together. And I’m going to give her 15 minutes of the highest quality around.”

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Why I'm a centrist who always ends up backing right-wing policies

by Martin Bishop, political centrist and floating voter, of Swindon

PEOPLE often say to me, ‘Martin, why do you bother calling yourself a centrist when you always take right-wing views?’ They just don’t understand the benefits of centrism.

Firstly, it means I’m above simplistic ‘left’ and ‘right’ dogma. So not only can I choose the best policies from anywhere on the political spectrum, I’m also superior to you mere partisans, which gives me a lovely warm feeling.

And because my views are in the centre, they’re more sensible. Take the economy. Yes, Truss got it wrong. But everyone knows the Tories can be trusted with the economy. 

I can’t explain why, they just can, and Labour would fritter decent people’s taxes on takeaways for fat unemployed skivers. Being a centrist means I’m able to take this nuanced view.

Secondly, it means you’re not right-wing, which has unpleasant associations with the BNP or racist pensioners droning on about National Service. That’s nothing like me, a cool guy who listens to Florence + The Machine and cooks baltis.

So even though I back the police coming down hard on protesters and believe Muslims are unilaterally imposing sharia law, you can still invite me to parties and liberal women can still have sex with me.

The best thing about centrism is that anything a bit dodgy is just political ‘realism’. To be honest, I’m not comfortable with all these immigrants. But I don’t have to say it. I just say ‘It’s a real concern for many voters’ and I’m on the side of the working class.

So that’s why I’m a centrist. I can sound progressive while still having reactionary, don’t-rock-the-boat opinions that won’t upset employers, my parents or bigots in the pub. 

It’s saved me a few principled arguments and cuts down my thinking time no end. Won’t you join me?