WHAT happens in Faliraki stays in Faliraki. And here are more rules for what to say when someone asks about your ‘body count’.
Sex outside Britain is excluded
We all do silly stuff on holiday, like getting sunburnt. A five-man gangbang in your Torremolinos rental villa is no different. And, in the same way, so long as you get rid of all the embarrassing pics and apply ointment to the affected areas, it basically never happened.
Uni also doesn’t count
You were a different person. A feral, VK-fuelled student who believed in Marxism and made poor decisions in dimly-lit kitchens. In fact, you were just shagging the many not the few, in keeping with your collectivist principles. Nobody expects any continuity between that person and the one now discussing air fryers and back pain.
Work it out by month
Like paying rent, if you calculate the overall sum it sounds a lot higher than when you work it out monthly. Then it’s only a couple a month, or a week, and you can conveniently forget that week-long holiday where you may as well not have had your own hotel room.
If you can’t recall their surname, they’re not on the list
This is purely admin. If there’s no realistic way of identifying them on LinkedIn, it’s unfair to expect you to log it as a meaningful entry in your life. Imagine how humiliating it would be for you – and them – to say ‘Tom 4’ or ‘Hayley 3’. You’re trying to save them pain, whatever they’re called and wherever they are.
Anything before smartphones is unverifiable
Sex that occurred when you had to actually call someone on your Nokia 3410 basically occurred in the Dark Ages. It’d be like discussing Henry VIII’s romping. There are no photos, no messages, no ill-advised late-night texts to revisit. AKA, no proof.
Friends are off-limits
Telling a partner that you rode someone you still know isn’t going to help them get along. You’re conveniently – and selflessly – forgetting that incident at Middlesbrough station to ensure strong group stability and let your other half slip seamlessly into the gang. Until you break up and have to go through all this again with someone else. Still, that’s the price you pay for being so considerate of other people’s feelings and such a moral person.
