Shouting at them not to shout: five terrible examples to set your kids

EVERY parent is keen to set an example, so make sure to provide a really awful one by incorporating these into the average day:

Shouting at them not to shout

Screaming blue murder at your children will definitely teach them not to shout at each other. But only for about five seconds until you retreat, the shock wears off and they resume battle having learned lots of interesting new phrases.

Having phones at the table

Is reading the news headlines for the 37th time that day more important than playing a zombie-killing platform game? As a parent you might think so, but your brain will probably atrophy faster reading about the madness of British politics than your kids’ will shooting up the undead.

Long-standing feuds with your siblings

When your children fight, explain that one day they will be happy to have a sibling who will be a lifelong friend and support them through thick and thin. When they ask why has mummy not spoken to Uncle Nathan for two years since she lent him that money, switch the telly on and pretend you didn’t hear.

Swearing in the car

Did that f**ker in the Audi not thank you for letting them pass? Is that wanker in the white SUV driving like they own the road? Probably, but the worst thing is that you now have a toddler in the back who will gleefully yell those funny new words at the elderly neighbour walking her dog.

Snacking whenever you like

You are forever sneaking a biscuit here and a Ferrero Rocher there throughout the day, so it’s understandable that your kids are surprised when you throw a shit fit if they do the same. The real lesson in all of this is how to develop hugely hypocritical double standards: something that will stand them in good stead for when they have a family of their own.

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Man watching incomprehensible load of lycra-clad bullshit pretty sure it's the Olympics

A MAN watching lycra-clad people perform some physical bollocks according to impenetrable rules is pretty confident this must be the Olympics. 

Wayne Hayes flicked on the TV to find a bunch of lean, determined athletes psyching themselves up to push their bodies to the limit in a sport he had never previously heard of and does not understand, and remembered this happens every four years.

He said: “I think this one might be some form of gymnastics? Maybe. Or possibly a martial art.

“Either way the judges have given that German girl low marks, though I don’t have a bugger why, and apparently Team GB aren’t expected to do well so no point finding out.

“It’s cycling one minute, freestyle wrestling the next. It’s like when ITV had World of Sport with Dickie Davies because they didn’t have any football. Exactly like, in fact.

“How long does it go on for? A month? Of keen little twats doing downhill archery and I’m meant to care about it? Then they’ll all be making up the numbers on Celebrity Bake Off being annoyingly ultra-competitive while we struggle to remember who they are.

“Still, I’ll watch it. There’s f**k all else on.”