Six easy ways to dump your lockdown hookup

DID you start a lockdown relationship, but now it’s freedom time? Here’s how to let them know as painlessly as a ping from the app: 


Needs the right circumstances – if you’ve moved in together then not answering texts only goes so far – but if the domestic situation suits and you’re amoral scum, go ahead. You’ve got your jabs and you want to be exposed to Covid risks with other people.

Put it into perspective

With all that happened and such huge worldwide losses, what’s one little relationship? Even if it was love and you borrowed five grand? Nothing. And how better to move on than still being alive? If your soon-to-be-ex disagrees, you feel sorry for them.

‘We were all under a lot of pressure’

It’s a fact that people in intense or stressful situations become attracted to each other, like doctors and nurses or soldiers and other soldiers. So these weasel words might extricate you from the relationship without getting your clothes hurled onto the street while you’re called cheating scum, possibly.

What happens in lockdown…

Imply that three lockdowns over 18 months was like a weekend in Vegas from which both partners emerge smiling and attachment-free. Not a long national nightmare in which you clung desperately to each other with grand promises of what you’d do when it was over.

Prioritise self-care

This great Guardian notion means you can do anything you want to because otherwise you might feel bad, and that’s toxic. Stare into coffee while saying: ‘Things felt right but I’m worried we’ve drifted and I need to put myself first and that’s kinder to you?’ while joining Tinder.

Think twice

Another wave of Covid is inevitable and you might not have time to find a new shag before the imminent lockdown. Temporarily shelve your dumping strategy and put up with your partner finding Doc Martin repeats hilarious if you want another shag this decade.

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Inadequately-sunscreened middle-class child bursts instantly into flames

A MIDDLE-CLASS boy who was not wearing enough sunscreen of a high-enough factor spontaneously combusted yesterday. 

Property lawyers Julian and Francesca Cook neglected to slather their son Reuben in enough UV protection and saw him reduced to ash after only making it a few steps into their one-and-a-quarter acre garden with orchard.

Julian said: “We were in the orangery putting his sunscreen on when he thought he saw a nuthatch. Well that’s on the checklist for his house at school’s birdwatching trophy.

“Thrilled, he ran outside before I’d finished applying his third coat of factor 60. He’s not like common boys who play out on bikes you see, he’s sensitive and learning Russian.

“We’ve been protecting him from the sun’s deadly beams his whole life. His porcelain skin wasn’t exposed to an overcast sky until he was 18 months. And now this.

“But the Archers omnibus was on, Francesca was preparing carrot batons for our midday hummus, and we let the reins slip. Now he’ll never go to Cambridge.”