Six things you don't want your kids to bring home on the last day of school

THE end of the school year is here, and with it your child staggering home under the weight of all this crap: 

A giant artwork

Comes in two varieties: first, the giant artwork they’ve made at school and they’re very proud of and they now, you realise with sinking heart, intend to display at home. Or, second and worse, the giant artwork you spent all Easter making returning all broken and ruined. Both will meet their destiny in the bin.

A year’s work

You’re happy to accept your child got 26 out of 27 in a maths test. You don’t require evidence. But the school doesn’t want that shit either so you’re getting a year’s worth of exercise books to feel guilty about not looking through.

Some other kid’s uniform

The sheer f**king cost of jumpers and blazers lost this year gnaws away at you, but the grab-bag of random shit your child brings home is no compensation. The blazer’s two sizes smaller, the jumper’s a cheap no-logo Sainsbury’s one, and what use is one shoe?

The school hamster

Your child is a naturally caring, nurturing person for the first two days of the school holidays, until they can’t be arsed and you have to take over. You also have to take said hamster for two weeks in Aberdeenshire, then explain the temporary, cyclical nature of life to your child on the way to the pet shop to get a like-for-like replacement.


You knew you should have waited before going on holiday. Now you’re sitting on a lovely Welsh beach with your itching head dripping in radioactive grease, considering shaving the whole family’s heads like a cult. But at least it’s not Covid.


Ending a school year of self-isolation and lockdown with a positive lateral flow test and ten days house arrest during a heatwave is perfect apart from how much you’ll f**king hate it. Send your kids to school in hazmat suits for the last week even if it results in abject humiliation on sports day.

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Five areas of the body you’ve just discovered can sweat

THERE’S a heatwave and your disgusting body is pumping out perspiration, including in these surprisingly sweaty areas:

Crook of the knee

Is there an evolutionary advantage to the insides of our knees gushing out torrents of sweat during the warmer months? Unlikely. Unless you want to look like you’re catastrophically bad at peeing on target, opt for shorts. You still have to worry about the dreaded groin sweats though.

Back of the neck

Not only does neck sweat ruin the collar of whatever you’re wearing, there’s the danger of perspiration beads slowly rolling down your spine and joining up with your back sweat. Soon your whole torso is sopping wet and you have to get changed to avoid looking like you’ve been swimming in a button-down shirt.


Scientists aren’t even sure if there are perspiration glands in our ears, yet here they are sweating away like troopers. To keep your lugholes nice and cool, simply tape ice packs onto the inside of some ear muffs. You’ll look ridiculous, but at least you won’t be able to hear people laughing at you.

Between your toes

Even if you’re not wearing shoes and socks, the current temperature will turn the skin between your toes into eight little clammy alcoves. Flip flops will help, but they make those annoying slapping sounds when you pop out for an ice cream. You’re better off going barefoot and being extra vigilant for dog shit.


You may have experienced bum sweat while exercising, but that is easily dealt with by having a quick shower. During a heatwave a sweaty bum is impossible to ignore, because every time you sit down it feels like you’re wearing a piss-filled nappy. And if it’s hairy back there the clean-up operation will be arduous.