GIVING blowjobs is vital for your health, and the fact that I, a man, enjoy them immensely is just a coincidence. Here’s how oral sex will keep you in tip-top condition, especially if you swallow.
It will make you happy
Yes, that’s right. My pleasure is just a by-product of the extreme sense of relaxation and wellbeing you will feel if I pop my penis in your mouth. It’s because semen has been proven in a very dubious and limited scientific study to reduce symptoms of depression. Why would any male scientist make that finding up?
It cures insomnia
If you don’t have insomnia, that’s fine. It’ll help you get a good night’s sleep and we all need that – especially me after you’ve given me a blowjob. In fact, post-BJ sleepiness could be a special thing we can share as a couple, like a simultaneous orgasm, but with unconsciousness.
It lowers the risk of cancer
A study, which unfortunately I don’t have a link to, shows that giving head will lower your chances of getting breast cancer, and in fact all cancers and diseases. But only if you do it once a day. I know that seems excessive, but you can’t argue with science.
It’s anti-ageing
There’s a chemical in sperm called spermohexydioxide, which I definitely did not just make up, that slows down the ageing process. Just think of all the money I’m saving you on expensive creams and serums as I nudge your head down towards my crotch. No need to rub it on your face, swallowing works best, I assume. Why don’t we do a case study together?
It offers pain relief
Spunk contains oxytocin and endorphins which are natural painkillers. So when you next have a headache, boob ache, vag ache, whatever ache, I’ll be there by your sickbed, kindly expecting a blowie.
It improves your memory
If you want to remember why you vowed to stop dating wankers like me, a few blowjobs might help, because jizz is packed with nutrients that improve your memory. Probably zinc and that. So sucking me off is like taking a multivitamin – although admittedly a little harder to swallow and less fruity-tasting.
