HONESTY is great in theory, but it’s also a good idea not to ruin your relationship. Here are some situations where barefaced lies are morally the right thing to do.
‘I knew you were the one from the moment I saw you’
Well, not really. The truth is you fancied her more attractive friend, but after spending half the evening unsuccessfully trying to pull her you had no option but to go for Plan B. Women, you’ll find, tend not to like being told they were Plan B, yet again proving honesty is bollocks.
‘Your hair looks nice’
She’s spent a sodding fortune at the salon and, if the truth be told, you can’t really tell the difference. Admitting this will result in weeks of stony silence, definitely no sex, and she’ll feel the need to go back to the hairdressers and spaff another 80 quid to put it right. Lie through your teeth. It really is the only option.
‘I still find you attractive’
Relative to your unashamed slob friend ‘Fat Gary’. But to be honest she’s not exactly put up a brave fight against cake either. Best to maintain a conspiracy of lies. No one’s having sex these days because of streaming anyway.
‘Of course I like your parents’
Those little funsters, with their endless tales of how cute she was as a baby and postwar rationing – not to mention their fascinating conversations about the route you took getting there (it’s quicker to take the A419 then the A38, B302 and A33). You’re happy to overlook the fact that they hated you for years. And you’re not just saying that because you’ll inherit their house – the f**king freaks seem to be getting healthier as they get older.
‘I feel really safe with you driving’
Weapons-grade bollocks. He drives like a twat and even the shortest of journeys causes visions of dying in a heap of tangled metal. Meanwhile she drives without paying attention to nuisances like other cars and traffic lights, causing him to instinctively try to control the car with invisible foot pedals. However for the sake of your relationship it’s best to maintain the lie. The airbags will probably protect you from the worst of the impact.
‘I believe in you’
Although they’re not very specific about it. You think it means they believe you’ve got the drive and talent to get a high-powered job you’ve applied for. They might actually mean you can just about be trusted to push the hoover round without f**king it up. With supervision, of course.