Six sexual experiences you'd rather not be told about

FRIENDS, colleagues and strangers have the odd urge to tell you about grim incidents in their sex lives. Here are some you wish they wouldn’t corner you with in the office kitchen:

‘I shagged a right minger…’

Did you, Darren from sales? What’s worse, a barrage of sexism that even laddier colleagues are uneasy about, or the actual details? Darren is quite upfront about having pulled a ‘dog’ at Zanzibar’s, whose body shape enabled him to ‘slap the fat and ride the ripples’. Perhaps the oddest thing is that Darren thinks you’re impressed.

Sex-related dilemmas

Usually takes the form: ‘My boyfriend is into X which I’m not into’. X can be anything from talking dirty to urophagia. If you don’t know, don’t look it up. There’s an obvious solution, but you don’t want the responsibility of them dying lonely and alone. Also, said boyfriend might be wonderful in every way apart from confusing his knob’s two major functions.

Sexual injuries

‘And strips of skin were hanging right off it’ isn’t really small talk. But Gary feels it’s fine to share his horrific MDMA-fuelled sex injury at work. You’d worry about word getting around and affecting your promotion prospects or general employability, so not only has Gary put you off your bacon-and-brie wrap, you now feel like the office prude.

Spunk in the eye and other mishaps

Why are you telling me this? Are you coming on to me in some misguided way? If you want practical advice here you go: wear a pair of safety goggles while performing fellatio. Try the B&Q website. Sorry, but that’s all you can really contribute to this conversation.

Mad relationship revenge stuff

‘I was sure Steve was shagging this woman at work.’ This sounds as if it won’t end well, Suze, but go on. ‘So I burnt all his clothes on the barbecue, took a shit in his car and called Crimestoppers and dobbed him in as a paedo. The police turned up at his work.’ Er, okay. Next time you want approval for your deranged behaviour, ask a psychopath.

Sexual incompetence

You’re not the greatest lover of all time, but you’ve got a rough idea of acceptable bedroom behaviour. Not so your mate Dave: ‘We’d not had sex before, but she got funny when I asked about the back door.’ F**k’s sake, Dave, have you any basic idea about what women think about sex? About anything? Did you get your girlfriend Warhammer for her birthday? You did? Right. Not just sex then.

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Woman on date excited for moment when she gets to speak

A WOMAN on a first date is eagerly awaiting the approaching moment when she will briefly be allowed to speak. 

After 95 minutes listening to Oliver O’Connor elaborate on his career, family, interests, former relationships, cars, childhood traumas and cats past and present, Grace Wood-Morris believes the moment when she will be invited to say a few words is about to arrive.

She said: “There was a brief gap, just after the waiter cleared the starters, when I thought my chance had come before he launched into a monologue about almost learning to play banjo.

“I took several running jumps at trying to interrupt, but he didn’t notice any of them. At one point, while he was summarising Succession, I feigned choking but only the table next door noticed.

“Trying to force out my piece like a taxi nudging into traffic didn’t work. He kept cutting across me so I only managed one word to his seven. It became a game to see how many times he could interrupt a single sentence. His best was 12.

“I wonder if he knows women can speak? He’s surely seen them do it in films. But then there are magic flying dogs in films.”

O’Connor said: “She was okay to talk at but I’m not sure there was a deeper connection. She kept interrupting, which was rude. What could she have to say that’s so important? Something about handbags?”