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Six sexual practices you'll immediately be dumped for even suggesting

THE internet is not real life, and practices discovered upon it should not be attempted IRL. Unless you long to be single, keep any suggestion of these to yourself: 

Watersports

No, not stand-up paddleboarding. And if you didn’t meet your partner on a specialist website there’s no easy way to broach this one. ‘Would you like me to wee on you?’ is just as unacceptable as ‘Would you mind awfully weeing on me?’ Appending the word ‘darling’ won’t help, you’re a filthy pissing bastard and the relationship is over.

Scrotal inflation

You’re unlikely to be considered ‘a keeper’ if you casually suggest your boyfriend injects saline solution into his ballsack to make them swell up like party balloons. ‘I only want it because I love you so much,’ will change nothing. He’ll be out of the door before you grab his knob and twist it into the likeness of a sausage dog.

Bukkake

Oh dear. Someone’s gone from anime to hentai to a dark place. A great way to show you have zero respect for your girlfriend and all women, and anyway how would it even work? Would you get your mates involved? Solicit the assistance of work colleagues? Go on the neighbourhood Facebook group? The ensuing logistical nightmare would prove as humiliating for the man.

Mummification

Never admit that you want to formalise your controlling behaviour by wrapping up your significant other so she can’t move a muscle. It will be interpreted as a massive red flag. Your partner may also suspect more heinous motives beyond mere eroticism, such as keeping her off her vape and phone.

Locktober

A month without physical intimacy is hardly an indication of unbridled passion. You can talk up the sexiness of discipline and self-restraint all you like; nobody’s buying it. Once you’ve let him know that you’d rather spend bedtimes re-reading the Wolf Hall trilogy than f**king, a future marriage is very much mapped out.

Donkey punch

‘How about I thump you in the head during sex?’ ‘Are you f**king mental?’ The idea that a blow to the back of the cranium leads to involuntary tightening of the vaginal passage is a dangerous urban myth. Only float this idea if you want to reveal yourself to be both a violent arsehole and a gullible prick. In other words, perfect ex-boyfriend material.

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'Hello? Police? There's been a tweet': how to make that call we all dread

YOU never thought it would happen to you, but it has: you’ve seen a tweet which could be viewed as an incitement to violence. Time to call the police. 

Dial 999

There is another number for the police, 118 118 or something, but this is as much of an emergency as a body on the hearthrug with a fresh knife in the back. They need to act immediately to make sure the perpetrator is caught and does not tweet again.

Explain this is no mere theft or burglary

When a constable finally answers with a bored ‘Sorry about your iPhone, here’s your incident number’ explain this is no simple phone snatching, mugging or burglary, all of which are victimless crimes untraceable by forensic methods though Find My iPhone is giving an exact address. This is far more serious.

Explain this is actual violence

Read the contents of the tweet down the phone in a hushed, scandalised voice and wait for the gasp of horror, if not the thud of a dead faint, on the other end. Then wait for the shout of ‘All units – roll out!’

Explain this is ‘actual violence’, not actual violence

The police may be concerned this is some kind of street attack, drunken brawl or domestic assault, all of which they are not particularly keen on. Explain your definition of ‘actual violence’ is the online one with no physical element whatsoever and they’ll make it a priority.

Alert police that the fugitive may be attempting to escape justice

If there is a risk of the perpetrator – we may as well call them ‘the murderer’ as that’s what it essentially was – is trying to escape the law by being in a foreign country, then Border Control need to be involved. Suggest they give Interpol a call. Remind them that for a crime of this magnitude the budget is unlimited.

Monitor for arrests

You can’t feel safe until an arrest is made. Luckily, unlike in cases involving theft or physical assault, the police won’t delay interminably until all evidence is lost and the CPS informs you the case is dropped. The killer will soon be behind bars.

Ask for your incident number

And, now justice has been done, it’s time for you to get your bit. Get your incident number and call your insurer – home, life, car, it doesn’t matter. Tell them there’s been a crime and when they ask ‘What have you lost?’ pause dramatically and say ‘Everything.’

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