Six things to say about your friend's new boyfriend that aren't 'he's a prick'

YOUR friend has introduced you to the semi-sentient skid mark she claims is her new boyfriend, then asked your opinion. What the f**k do you say? 

‘You seem so much happier’

She’s smiling and genuinely does seem content, so maybe this ugly dude with the monotone voice really knows what he’s doing in the bedroom. Or maybe she gets off on being disappointed sexually?

‘He’s a real character’

Keep working that observation – characters don’t have to be likeable, attractive or stable emotional partners. He’s a character like Freddy Krueger or Pennywise the clown are characters. Coincidentally, they’d also make better company down the pub and probably better boyfriends.

‘He’s got so many unusual opinions’ 

Interesting in that a psychologist would want to analyse them for a clinical study of the most odious men on the planet. Is there a medical diagnosis for monologuing for 30 minutes straight about how landlords actually provide a valuable service to society and are the real victims today?

‘He’s definitely punching above his weight!’

This one seems like you’re complimenting your friend, but the monobrowed mouth-breather she’s inexplicably enamoured with would still be punching above if he were with any woman with a pulse. Or indeed without a pulse.

‘He’s perfect for you’

A great option for if your friend is also a raging dickhead of a human being, or is in need of a course of relationship shock treatment to stop her dating wankers. Or if she’s the aforementioned psychologist needing participants for her clinical study of arseholery.

‘He’s great!’

Lie. Just flat out lie to her face, it’s so much easier. Then when they inevitably break up you can gasp along at what a bellend the obvious bellend turned out to be, sympathise until she finds the next prize twat, then smile, nod and lie all over again.

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UK comes second in Eurovision sympathy vote

BRITAIN came a proud second after Ukraine in Eurovision after being recognised as the next most f**ked country in the competition. 

Ukraine’s Kalush Orchestra deservedly took the top prize because their country has been invaded by Russia, but the UK’s Sam Ryder came in second because of the terrible damage his country is inflicting on itself.

Swedish voter Anders Haggkvist said: “Eurovision is political as well as musical, so Ukraine came first this year no question. But this does not mean we do not feel sad for Britain.

“You have energy costs spiralling, you have all the crippling effects of Brexit, you suffered so much more from Covid and you have this man in charge who is effectively a natural disaster.

“It is terrible to see and we are unable to help. So we used the Eurovision vote to say to the people of the UK, stand tall. Stand strong. One day your nightmare will be over and you will be free.

“The act? He was not on stilts or dressed as a disco cow and his song was not about holding a naked shaving party with your buddies and had no great lyrics like ‘gling-glanga-glong’, so I cannot say it was second place on merit.

“But that’s Britain for you. They know nothing about good music.”