Six ways teenage you wrongly thought music would get you laid

WERE you unduly confident that enjoying music would lead to sex when you were a teenager? Here’s what you got wrong: 

Girls aren’t completely blown away by your music taste

Imagine the following conversation between teenage girls: ‘Did you lose your virginity to Steve?’ ‘Yes, I just had to. He’s got three albums by The Wonder Stuff.’ Likely? No. Sadly your teenage self failed to see the total improbability of that exchange taking place.

Going to gigs all the time isn’t enjoyable

Gigs are cool and you were always going to gigs, ergo you were cool and shaggable. Sadly potential partners quickly realised constantly going to gigs was a knackering slog of rammed bars, stinking toilets and no-hope bands with stupid names like Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts.

Music doesn’t boost your attractiveness

It does if you’re the singer in the band. It doesn’t if you only like the singer. Sex is often a bigger deal for women than men, so they stick with failsafe criteria like A) looks, B) personality, and C) will he impress my friends? Being into Gil Scott Heron cannot alter this.

Being in a teenage band isn’t impressive

Being talented and rich and travelling the world with a supply of high-quality drugs IS impressive. Four spotty teenage boys in a bedroom arguing pointlessly about Gibsons vs. Fenders and occasionally playing the riff from Smoke on the Water, less so.

You weren’t a musical guru

Why didn’t girls at university shag the visionary who alerted them to the work of Spiritualized, with extra tuition in Spacemen 3? Because every music nerd at uni bought the NME and bored them shitless about The Family Cat and Birdland.

Every twat in the world is a DJ

DJing has partly replaced being in a band, but every other male on the planet wants to be a DJ, so it doesn’t confer much of an advantage. In fact, only playing to living rooms containing five drunk people at parties may even decrease your attractiveness. You may still not have had a shag to this day.

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Pay £900 on ViaGoGo: six ways to get a booster appointment

WANT your extra jab of anti-Covid juice? So does everyone else. Here’s how to secure your immunity: 

Enter cheat codes on the NHS website

Everyone above 30 is waiting for an appointment like they’re waiting for Adele tickets, so you’ll be stuck for hours – unless you know the cheats. Plug an Xbox controller into your laptop and press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, and A, and wham – you’ve unlocked an appointment within 30 minutes.

Pay £900 on VivaGoGo

As ever, the scalpers and their bots have got in first, so now the only way to get a booster is to pay ridiculous prices on the secondary market. Pfizer and Moderna jabs will set you back a few hundred, but if Christmas has left you a bit short there’s always AstraZeneca.

Suck off a roadie

Just like getting backstage at a Ronan Keating gig, the surest way is to offer sexual favours to a roadie. In this case they’re not hairy-arsed men called Spider but pensioners who’ve volunteered to join the jabs army, but don’t let that deceive you. You’ll get your vaccine if you submit to their deviant desires.

Wait to be invited

It’s so gauche to rush in and demand your shot. Instead sit back, enjoy a martini and wait for your gilt-edged invitation to arrive in the post. It might take a while but you’ll have shown you stand above the immune herd, even if by the time they get round to you everyone will be immunised against the Sigma variant.


You’re not a religious person, but God famously doesn’t hold grudges. He’ll respect your change of heart and welcome you to the flock by manifesting an appointment at a time and place that suits you then send you an email confirmation. Alternatively, He might decide to continue not existing.

Volunteer at a vaccination centre

There’s plenty of vaccines knocking around but a shortage of staff because some selfish monster has been underfunding the NHS for ten years. By stepping up you’ll get access to as many jabs as you like. However you would have to interact with an endless line of the general public, so serious illness could be preferable.