WERE you unduly confident that enjoying music would lead to sex when you were a teenager? Here’s what you got wrong:
Girls aren’t completely blown away by your music taste
Imagine the following conversation between teenage girls: ‘Did you lose your virginity to Steve?’ ‘Yes, I just had to. He’s got three albums by The Wonder Stuff.’ Likely? No. Sadly your teenage self failed to see the total improbability of that exchange taking place.
Going to gigs all the time isn’t enjoyable
Gigs are cool and you were always going to gigs, ergo you were cool and shaggable. Sadly potential partners quickly realised constantly going to gigs was a knackering slog of rammed bars, stinking toilets and no-hope bands with stupid names like Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts.
Music doesn’t boost your attractiveness
It does if you’re the singer in the band. It doesn’t if you only like the singer. Sex is often a bigger deal for women than men, so they stick with failsafe criteria like A) looks, B) personality, and C) will he impress my friends? Being into Gil Scott Heron cannot alter this.
Being in a teenage band isn’t impressive
Being talented and rich and travelling the world with a supply of high-quality drugs IS impressive. Four spotty teenage boys in a bedroom arguing pointlessly about Gibsons vs. Fenders and occasionally playing the riff from Smoke on the Water, less so.
You weren’t a musical guru
Why didn’t girls at university shag the visionary who alerted them to the work of Spiritualized, with extra tuition in Spacemen 3? Because every music nerd at uni bought the NME and bored them shitless about The Family Cat and Birdland.
Every twat in the world is a DJ
DJing has partly replaced being in a band, but every other male on the planet wants to be a DJ, so it doesn’t confer much of an advantage. In fact, only playing to living rooms containing five drunk people at parties may even decrease your attractiveness. You may still not have had a shag to this day.