STRAWBERRIES and oysters are for poncey, continental types. Here gammon romance expert Roy Hobbs explains what gets a puce-faced Brexiter’s blood pumping even more.
There’s nothing more romantic than five hours in a stuffy pub full of grizzled regulars, gazing into each other’s eyes over a pint of Old Peculiar. Love will be in the air by chucking-out time, unless I’ve got ‘brewer’s droop’, or pass out like I’ve been shot with a tranquiliser dart due to heavy brews called things like Bishop’s Stinky Finger.
Steak and ale pie
What could be raunchier than British pub food? The combination of gravy-soaked pastry, large chunks of beef and boiled ale should be enough to send any red-blooded male into a frenzy. After one of these bad boys, my wife June knows I’ll soon be taking her to the bedroom, where – after a quick nap – we’ll commence intercourse.
The St George Cross
As a proud Englishman, nothing stirs the blood quite like seeing this great kingdom’s flag fluttering in the breeze. No matter what the loony left might say, this country’s history should be celebrated. 1066! Dead Frenchmen! Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery! Such jingoistic thoughts soon have me flying at half-mast, at the very least.
The Daily Mail sidebar
Ever since the PC brigade banned Page 3 from The Sun, I’ve had to get my pornography online. Apart, that is, from The Daily Mail. Nothing makes me want to reach into my sock drawer for a Viagra more than some long-lens photographs of a minor celebrity sun-bathing, followed by a post-coital Piers Morgan column.
A full English
Packing in at least 1,000 calories of various fried pork products first thing in the morning is the best way to kickstart the day. And once I’ve taken my heart medication, June knows I’ll have the stamina for some passionate lovemaking without expiring.
Thinking about the war
Some would say a six-year nightmare, I’d say a monument to good old British spunk. Imagining those heroic Brits in the 40s gets me quite turned on. Not that today’s youth would understand – they’re all probably permanently weak and impotent thanks to their millennial vegan diets.