Swooning and other things women in romance books got away with

BOOKS can teach you a lot about the world, and more importantly the amazing shit women used to get away with back in the time of shirtless pirates. Like this: 

Swooning

Absolutely hammered on Jägerbombs and unexpectedly visited by overwhelming emotions? Simply collapse to the floor and gentlemen will rush to carry you to a velvet couch to revive you with a fortifying absinthe. Swooning  rocked.

Blushing

Ever seen anyone’s face actually redden with passion? Excluding any gammon asked about millennials. Women blush when they’re deeply ashamed of the lame bollocks a bloke just pulled to get into her knickers.

Taking a reflective walk to clear the mind

Perhaps taking deep gulps of salt air is the best way to find clarity on one’s feelings about the strapping stableboy. Or perhaps that corseted lady was nipping off for a quick fag down the shore to chat up a lifeguard. Modern women have to take the dog, and the dogshit bag, with them.

Gasping

No one is gasping, with a hand flying to their mouth, at the sight of a duke unless they’re re-watching his interview with Emily Maitlis. We only gasp in horror at how short, ugly and bald our suitor is, not like his Tinder picture.

Saying everything with but one look

Try asking a woman about how many men have come up to her at a club convinced that she was giving them the eye, then you’ll understand just how effective a communication technique this is. If only ‘f**k off’ could be an eye gesture.

Bristling

Brushes have bristles. Women have a middle finger and a mouth to call you a twat with if they catch you looking down on their ‘inferior breeding’. Jane Austen cut that bit.

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Royal Family recalls Duke of Edinburgh's only unproblematic joke

MEMBERS of the Royal Family have remembered Prince Philip’s only joke fit for public consumption for a BBC tribute programme.

The prank, which involved getting his grandchildren to squirt mustard onto the ceiling, does not appear to have any racial or homophobic undertones and is thought to be unique.

Prince William said: “Getting us to shoot mustard everywhere was his favourite game. And what’s more, it was harmless fun that offended nobody.

“The Queen would hear the laughter, rush in with her hair in rollers terrified he was doing a gag from his Naval days, and guffaw in sheer relief that it was only a condiment dripping from the ceiling.

“Even though the mustard was yellow he didn’t say anything objectionable about it, which demonstrates his admirable restraint. Good clean fun. That’s what gramps was all about.”

Prince Harry, who was not invited to contribute, said: “It might sound more like mindless destruction but spraying mustard everywhere was a staple of music halls back in the day. You don’t get comedy like that anymore.

“Even the servants required to clean the mustard from the Georgian ceilings found it hilarious. ‘Lots funnier than the jokes he makes to us,’ they’d say.”

Zara Tindall added: “Yeah, mustard, hysterical. That’s his squeaky-clean sense of humour covered, let’s move on.”