BOOKS can teach you a lot about the world, and more importantly the amazing shit women used to get away with back in the time of shirtless pirates. Like this:
Absolutely hammered on Jägerbombs and unexpectedly visited by overwhelming emotions? Simply collapse to the floor and gentlemen will rush to carry you to a velvet couch to revive you with a fortifying absinthe. Swooning rocked.
Ever seen anyone’s face actually redden with passion? Excluding any gammon asked about millennials. Women blush when they’re deeply ashamed of the lame bollocks a bloke just pulled to get into her knickers.
Taking a reflective walk to clear the mind
Perhaps taking deep gulps of salt air is the best way to find clarity on one’s feelings about the strapping stableboy. Or perhaps that corseted lady was nipping off for a quick fag down the shore to chat up a lifeguard. Modern women have to take the dog, and the dogshit bag, with them.
No one is gasping, with a hand flying to their mouth, at the sight of a duke unless they’re re-watching his interview with Emily Maitlis. We only gasp in horror at how short, ugly and bald our suitor is, not like his Tinder picture.
Saying everything with but one look
Try asking a woman about how many men have come up to her at a club convinced that she was giving them the eye, then you’ll understand just how effective a communication technique this is. If only ‘f**k off’ could be an eye gesture.
Brushes have bristles. Women have a middle finger and a mouth to call you a twat with if they catch you looking down on their ‘inferior breeding’. Jane Austen cut that bit.