IT’S a shame, all those things your boyfriend’s so convinced of that he’s never asked you about. Here are his five illusions:
You’ve never faked an orgasm
He knows you’ve faked orgasms, of course. With other blokes. The question’s never come up about him. Men are so hardwired to believe they’d know that you could stop and watch a bit of Netflix mid-fake and he’d assume it was part of your climax journey.
You know how to sew
Admittedly, men are expected to change a washing machine filter through genetics, but that doesn’t mean you’re good at sewing. Though he’s never seen you darn a sock he has a weird sense that you’d be able and willing to do so if push came to shove. Kindly f**k off. Though you probably could.
You enjoy getting your hair done
Whoever started the rumour that women enjoy paying £90 to sit in a chair making small-talk with a total stranger for two hours was a bloody liar. It’s not the 1950s and there’s no comradery or juicy beauty parlour gossip. It’s just boredom in a chair.
You’re into gin
Maybe it’s the influence of all those ‘Gindependent woman’ signs in crappy gift shops, but your boyfriend is dead-certain that it’s your favourite alcohol, second only to Prosecco. Whereas you like tequila for getting you properly shitfaced.
You dance to ABBA
Ever since Mamma Mia! was released women have had to fight the dangerous stereotype that we all enjoy Dancing Queen. Look, it’s not bad, but for f**k’s sake you met off your heads on Mitsubishis at Sundissential with the Tidy Boys playing bangers. It’s hardly Fernando.
You enjoy watching football
Most footballers are fit. Enough said.