PROPOSING? Why not maximise the humiliation of rejection by asking for her hand in marriage in these locations?
The London Eye: ‘Will you marry me?’ you ask, high above the Thames? ‘No,’ she says. Now you’re trapped in a pod with a dozen strangers gazing in intense silence at the capital’s skyline. A child says ‘Is that the Shard?’ and is shushed.
A sporting event: Crowds at football matches aren’t renowned for their empathy. Feel the laughter of thousands of pissed twats rain down on you.
Someone else’s wedding: Why not ruin, not just your relationship, but a childhood friend’s big day by trying to steal their thunder? And getting turned down?
Site of first shag: Romantic in principle but proposing in the Burger King car-park where you first drunkenly humped is inviting her to press the reset button.
Busy street: Using public peer pressure to tip the balance in favour of your proposal is profoundly bleak. A bystander’s video of your heart breaking in Leicester Square will go viral.
On a plane: You’re now trapped on a flight to Barbados beside someone who has made it clear they don’t want to spend their lives with you. Drown your sorrows with tiny tubs of Pringles at £5 each.
Wetherspoons: The whole pub will scream ‘Wahey’ when you’re turned down, as if someone dropped a glass. There’s also a strong possibility that when you got down on one knee it stuck to the carpet.
Harry Potter Studio Tours: You thought being rejected was low. You look up to see a middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley who came here alone looking at you with pity in his eyes. Rock bottom.
On a mountaintop: Enjoy making tense small-talk with a woman who does not view you as a worthy life partner as you make your four-hour descent.
Funeral: Aside from being deeply, deeply inappropriate, this will lead to a punch-up, the police being called and a story in a local newspaper.
Hot-air balloon: There is nothing more awkward than silently floating above Warwickshire in a small wicker basket with a woman who’s shunned you and a hot-air balloon pilot.
At a concert: If all goes well, it seems amazingly romantic. Unfortunately, she said no, and now your favourite band will always remember you as the loser who killed the vibe.
