The 12 most awkward places to have your proposal turned down

PROPOSING? Why not maximise the humiliation of rejection by asking for her hand in marriage in these locations?

The London Eye: ‘Will you marry me?’ you ask, high above the Thames? ‘No,’ she says. Now you’re trapped in a pod with a dozen strangers gazing in intense silence at the capital’s skyline. A child says ‘Is that the Shard?’ and is shushed.

A sporting event: Crowds at football matches aren’t renowned for their empathy. Feel the laughter of thousands of pissed twats rain down on you.

Someone else’s wedding: Why not ruin, not just your relationship, but a childhood friend’s big day by trying to steal their thunder? And getting turned down?

Site of first shag: Romantic in principle but proposing in the Burger King car-park where you first drunkenly humped is inviting her to press the reset button.

Busy street: Using public peer pressure to tip the balance in favour of your proposal is profoundly bleak. A bystander’s video of your heart breaking in Leicester Square will go viral.

On a plane: You’re now trapped on a flight to Barbados beside someone who has made it clear they don’t want to spend their lives with you. Drown your sorrows with tiny tubs of Pringles at £5 each.

Wetherspoons: The whole pub will scream ‘Wahey’ when you’re turned down, as if someone dropped a glass. There’s also a strong possibility that when you got down on one knee it stuck to the carpet.

Harry Potter Studio Tours: You thought being rejected was low. You look up to see a middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley who came here alone looking at you with pity in his eyes. Rock bottom.

On a mountaintop: Enjoy making tense small-talk with a woman who does not view you as a worthy life partner as you make your four-hour descent.

Funeral: Aside from being deeply, deeply inappropriate, this will lead to a punch-up, the police being called and a story in a local newspaper.

Hot-air balloon: There is nothing more awkward than silently floating above Warwickshire in a small wicker basket with a woman who’s shunned you and a hot-air balloon pilot.

At a concert: If all goes well, it seems amazingly romantic. Unfortunately, she said no, and now your favourite band will always remember you as the loser who killed the vibe.

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How to power through a pint that tastes like warm dog piss

ORDERED a pint only to discover it tastes bloody awful? Instead of sending it back, grit your teeth and suffer your way through all 20 disgusting fluid ounces with this guide.

Hold your nose

According to received wisdom, this simple trick should deactivate your taste buds and make the horrible pint you blew a fiver on more palatable. Sadly, it’s bullshit. You’ll still be able to pick up every disgusting flavour, plus you’ll look like a f**king idiot. It might trick your brain into not puking though, so it’s worth a try.

Think of a delicious pint

Knocking back a revolting pint is all about mind over matter. Forget about the fact that you’re quaffing a large quantity of what tastes like stale toilet water. Instead picture the sexiest pint with the fittest head and a bead of condensation rolling down its curved figure. Imagine how good it would feel to drink that, and don’t stop imagining it.

Invite someone else to have a taste

Don’t carry the burden of a stomach-churning pint by yourself, invite a friend to have a taste. A bloody big taste. Preferably at least three hearty mouthfuls. If they kick up a fuss, egg them on by saying you really want their considered opinion. If you’re lucky they’ll drink half of it for you. Just make sure they don’t buy you another one.

Try to get bumped into

Usually a spilled drink is grounds for a punch in the face. But if you’re struggling to work your way through a sickening pint, it’s a blessing. Hang around the bar with your drinking elbow stuck out at a precarious angle, and when someone so much as brushes your arm hurl your glass at the floor.

Down it in one

Try not to make the misery last a second longer than it needs to. Stare your enemy straight in the face, then knock it back in one swift motion before its horrific taste registers. This is the drinking equivalent of yanking off a waxing strip and is even more unpleasant, but with any luck it’ll be over in seconds. You’re free to buy a nice pint now.