ON A date, but prefer to keep all that getting-to-know-each-other conversation to a minimum? Choosing these will make the evening as silent as a long marriage:
Cinema
Watching a film together quietly will be excellent practice for the rest of your relationship. But since going to an arthouse flick is cooler than slumping in front of Ludwig, you’ll both be able to invest in the fiction that you like each other and are compatible before moving things along to sex.
Theatre
Like the cinema but more so, the theatre only truly exists to persuade couples they’re doing something other than facing in the same direction while not speaking. Doing this as a date? Legitimises your shared pretence you are classy so means you can skip straight to rutting like beasts, because they did in Pretty Woman.
Gig
Trickier, as you need to agree on an artist you both like. Or pick someone entirely unknown and hope the audience is cool enough to validate it. But has the appeal of conversation being impossible and you can hold hands so as to not lose each other in the crowd, and once you’re holding hands you may as well do oral later.
Comedy club
Suggests you’re fun because you like to passively enjoy other people being fun. In reality it’s likely to be either dull (weekday) or drowned out by pissed arseholes (weekend) but at least the poor bastards on stage will be the ones straining to say something interesting, rather than you. And it encourages drinking, which encourages sex.
Ice skating
Introduces very real danger into the equation. Your date will be so busy concentrating on not falling over, making a tit of themselves and breaking an ankle they’ll forget to ask if you have a good relationship with your mother or have any pets. Also they’ll clutch onto you a lot and be so grateful it’s over you’ll be banging as soon as you’re in proper shoes again.
Silent disco
Taking off the headphones is cheating, you explain, adding that it’s also expected to move around the venue and you needn’t stick together. Then groove to your heart’s content, meeting up with them at the end. Remove your headphones and say ‘So, fancy coming back to mine for full intercourse?’ It might work.
