The five excruciating moments your parents choose to ask if you're seeing anyone

SINGLE? Got parents? Who deliberately choose the most punishingly painful moment to ask probing questions about, essentially, if you’re f**king? 

During a conversation about the news

Your relationship status has no connection to Ukraine or Gaza, thank f**k, so it comes out of nowhere when chat swerves hard from the IDF to why you were wrong to dump Tom, who had prospects. Do bombed-out buildings remind them of your love life? That segues into the cost of living, which could be allieviated by splitting the rent with a special someone.

When you’ve lost your job

Been made redundant again? Brace yourself for a tearful phone call to your parents where they cut you off to ask if you’ve got any dates lined up. You reply it’s not your main focus and your dad replies that now you’re free to date shift workers during the day you’ve got even less excuse. ‘And MILFs,’ he adds.

During a family occasion

Whether Christmas or a christening, a 50th birthday or a family meal, your parents need to establish to all attendees first that you’re single and second that it’s your own fault. It’s almost like an intervention for being terminally unloveable but without the follow-up of rehab, just a lonely walk home to an empty flat.

Midafternoon on a Thursday

An unprompted text from your mother reading ‘still single? x’ at half-past two on a Thursday, just as you’re miserably failing at Countdown, is not especially awkward because there’s nobody there to see you stifle sobs. But it’s hardly normal, is it? And nor is the same text at half-past two in the morning next Tuesday.

Two minutes after they last asked

You calmly explained to your parents that you are still single a mere 120 seconds ago, yet they’re grilling you again. Perhaps they assumed you were lying? Or thought you’d matched with someone, gone on a few dates and made it official during your conversation? Modern dating is a weird and wonderful thing after all. But, in fact, no.

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Boris didn't have gold wallpaper or go to any parties: an exclusive from Boris Johnson's talking arsehole

DEPOSED prime minister Boris Johnson never hung gold wallpaper and did not attend a single party, according to that same prime minister’s miraculous talking arsehole. 

The flabby, fuzzy derriere that once sat in Downing Street shattered public illusions that Partygate happened or that flat renovations cost £200,000 by delivering pure truth from its unsullied lips.

Daily Mail reader Nathan Muir said: “An arsehole that speaks? Seems to me that’s going to have the definitive word on all subjects.

“So when it says Boris would have cruised the next election, the wallpaper was not real, and there were simply no parties and the photos of them do not exist, why would I doubt this trustworthy sphincter?

“When you’ve seen an anal ring form the words ‘Boris travelled to his Uxbridge constituency every Friday’ there can’t be any doubt. During lockdown he did that. Hero.

“The arsehole speaks with conviction. It’s definitely not Boris bent over with his trousers down winking his starfish while unconvincingly throwing his voice. I think it should present Have I Got News For You.”