The middle-aged person's guide to losing friends

10th April 2024

IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a middle-aged pro.

Go ‘no contact’

Not talking to people doesn’t need to be limited to your exes. People you share cherished memories with can also be weeded out of your life by going ‘no contact’. They might not get the message at first and bombard you with texts, but stand firm and eventually they’ll lose interest. No more pesky ‘human warmth’ to get in the way of important TV-watching!

Adopt a new personality

Your friends like you for who you are. Exploit this weakness by pretending to be the absolute opposite when you bump into them. Hang out with a bunch of woke types? Start banging on about how great Brexit is and reposting Laurence Fox’s latest tweets. Mix with gammons? Tell them you’ve gone vegan and are transitioning. You’ll be alone in no time.

Move away

Sure, you’ll need to uproot your whole life and find a new place to live, but what’s the alternative? Continue being around people who want to see you and enjoy your company? No thanks. Spend some time researching the remotest and most affordable location then start packing. If anyone asks why you’re moving to Jura, use the bullet-proof excuse of saying it’s for work. You’ve become a sheep administrator.

Never be there for them

Has your mate got divorced, lost their job or embarked on a mid-life crisis? This is your time to shake them off by being of no use whatsoever. Even a consolatory sad face emoji gives them an in, so don’t send one. It’s a cowardly move usually made by shit boyfriends, but your utter failure to meet the basic requirements of a relationship might even prompt an otherwise bluff, blokey, don’t-give-a-shit male friend to ditch you.

Get married and have kids

An extreme step, perhaps, but one that always works. With a partner and kids you’ll have no time to hang out with friends or do anything fun for at least 18 years, by which point everyone will have long forgotten you exist. It’s expensive as f**k and will leave you shattered, but the results speak for themselves.

'How do you spell cheugy?': The new piss-easy Gen Z version of Scrabble

10th April 2024

THE makers of Scrabble have launched a new version which is ‘less competitive’ for Generation Z. This sounds like bollocks, so what can fans of the tiresome board game expect?

Elitist words banned

Some dick always knows words like ‘ensorcell’, so players can disallow any word for being ‘too brainy’. Gen Zers who can’t spell due to only ever reading internet gibberish will love it, as will dimwitted older people. Finally, a version of Scrabble that allows you to play as you normally do – sitting there struggling to come up with anything better than basic four-letter nouns like ‘mops’ – without feeling thick.

New Gen Z slang to be included

Annoying new slang terms will count, including ‘mid’, ‘cheugy’ and of course ‘rizz’, which earns an unjustifiably high 22 points with its two Zs. Unfortunately all these terms are incredibly ephemeral, so if you use them while playing Gen Z Scrabble this Christmas it will be obvious to everyone you’re a tragic 30-something wanker trying to be ‘down with the kids’, if they haven’t already guessed from your ugly Nike Air Force 1s.

No competition between players

Mattel says it wants to appeal to people who ‘felt a little intimidated by the classic game’, ie. ‘make more money’. Under the new rules players will pool their letters, then choose words as one big team so you all win. If that’s still too competitive you can play in ‘Free Spelling Mode’, whereby you make up your own completely new words, such as ‘wneflomduazkccl’, which is the surprisingly thick dust found under beds, according to Carl Webber of Bristol, who recently hoovered his bedroom.

Doing something else encouraged

Scrabble is unutterably tedious, but players are encouraged to continue until there is a winner, although technically everyone taking part is a loser. However the new version will feature ‘Stop Playing’ cards you can pick up at any time. Each will encourage you to do something else, with options including ‘alcohol’, ‘Playstation’ and ‘wanking’. Why the original inventors of Scrabble didn’t think of this is a mystery.

Woke word bonus

Many members of Gen Z are pretty woke, so bonus points will be awarded for words like ‘diversity’ (10 extra points), ‘slavery‘ (20 points), and ‘privilege’ (30 points). Allowable word length will be increased so you can spell things like ‘blacklivesmatter’ and ‘intersectionalfeminism’, although you might have to play a lot of Scrabble to ever get all the letters.

Scrabble wanker words to be banned

You know the type – ultra-competitive Scrabble players who own a special Scrabble dictionary and memorise obscure words no one ever uses. Banning them is a change everyone can get behind, so piss off you specky anal pedants, with your words like ‘quixotry’ and ‘ouguiya’.

Inclusivity

Mattel also wants to ‘ensure the game continues to be inclusive for all players’. So Scrabblers will be banned from shouting vile racial slurs at each other or calling people of a different sexual orientation ‘filthy degenerate perverts’. Admittedly this never happens during games of Scrabble, but ‘inclusivity’ is a groovy buzzword for corporate suits, and to be honest you can’t knock their marketing skills when they’ve just got a shit-tonne of free publicity from ‘Gen Z Scrabble’.

The worst shall have prizes

In the traditional version of Scrabble the player with most points wins, but this discriminates in favour of people who are good at Scrabble. We’re all shit at something, be it drawing, holding down a job or giving women orgasms. So uncompetitive Scrabble will celebrate the person who is the worst at it, ie. the f**king dunce who’s sitting there with the letters T, R, I, A, N, G, U, L, R and A, but only manages to spell ‘NUT’.