The One Show: The worst TV programmes to try to initiate sex during

HAVING sex is usually better than watching the telly. However certain programmes are not conducive to putting the moves on your partner…

The news

Some newsreaders are extremely hot, but quite a few might dampen your ardour, such as stern-faced Huw Edwards. A bigger risk is snogging with Michael Gove looking on from the TV, or engaging in heavy petting in front of the snooker highlights, which is just weird, like having sex in front of your parents or your cat.


Food is a natural aphrodisiac. But not when Gregg Wallace and John Torode are involved. They shout so much, you might at well be having a foursome and the overall atmosphere of the high-stress cookery competition will probably cause erectile dysfunction anyway.

One Born Every Minute 

Self-explanatory, really. If you can seduce someone during this gruesome maternity unit documentary you’re clearly one smooth muthaf**ker. By far the hardest Channel 4 show to get laid to, apart from Naked Attraction, which just tends to put you off sex forever.

Game of Thrones

Or anything with a complex plot. Yes, a spot of bumping uglies might seem like a fun distraction from following roughly 600 characters. But it does kill the romance if you stop mid-coitus to say ‘I thought he was dead’ or look up an actor on IMDb because you swear he used to be in Casualty.

The One Show

Boring, repetitive, vanilla – the perfect reason to do something more interesting like sex. But its tone shifts are legendary. You might start with light petting during a piece about llama farming but by the time you reach third base Jermaine Jenas is presenting an item about the Normandy landings.

Love Island

Too many toned, generically attractive bastards. While they’re disturbingly thick, compared to the sexpots on the telly, you and your partner doing it would look like two pot bellied pigs rutting in a muddy field. Best start working on the six-pack.

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Johnsons and Bidens enjoy lovely evening of wife-swapping

BRITAIN’S prime minister and America’s president have cemented the special relationship between their countries with an evening of wife-swapping. 

The Bidens and the Johnsons walked down a Cornish beach together before enjoying a meal at a gastropub then retiring to the presidential suite for traditional swinging sex. 

A White House insider said: “The custom began in 1961, when President Kennedy visited England fully expecting to shag the Queen. 

“When she demurred Harold Macmillan offered up his wife Lady Dorothy instead, and a delighted JFK happily reciprocated by lending him Jackie. By all accounts it was a marvellous night. 

“It’s continued ever since – Wilson and Nixon, Thatcher and Reagan, Blair and Bush. Last night was no exception. Boris loves a bit of strange and Carrie climaxed for the first time since 2019. So a resounding success.” 

President Biden said: “Our relationship reached new heights of specialness and intimacy last night, when I high-fived Boris as we hit the final strokes together. 

“But I’m not going to go easy on Ireland because still, in my heart, I knew he’d rather be doing this with the Trumps.”