FOOTBALL is a wonderful game, but is it too competitive? Here concerned Guardian reader Nathan Muir explains how he would make it a fairer and more liberal sport.
Every player should have their own football
Football at school was a nightmare for me, due to being shit at it and always in goal. I’d make the game more accessible to a range of skill-levels by each player having their own football, with no tackling allowed.
Remove the pointless rivalry
Supporting ‘your’ team is a form of xenophobia. Football fans should support different teams to widen their perspective. So, for example, Millwall fans could support their team one week, then Chelsea the next. They could go to matches on a train together and have a latte to increase mutual understanding.
Improved grammar in football punditry
It’s irresponsible for football pundits to pass on poor grammar. I don’t want my children to start using phrases like ‘The lads done magic’. I’d suggest remedial English lessons for all pundits, or just replace them with popular intellectuals like Will Self, Noam Chomsky or Bonnie Greer.
Replace penalties with coursework like GCSEs
As with exams, not everyone performs well in a high-pressure environment. Players shouldn’t be forced to take penalties, and instead be judged on their overall footballing career, written skills and post-match verbal interviews, all assessed by a teacher two years later.
Football is dominated by physically fit young men. The Premier League should draw on the life experience of the over-50s and people from other walks of life, such as WeightWatchers. And me, because I’m still smarting from letting in eight goals and being called a ‘gaylord’ when I was 11.