The subjects you never listen to your partner's opinion about

OCCASIONALLY your partner’s opinion is welcome. In some rare instances, it’s even ‘asked for’. But when it comes to certain topics, there’s not a chance in hell you’ll ever listen. Take these, for example.

Your driving

It’s never okay for one partner to criticise the other’s driving. It’s such a part of who you are it’s like complaining about your eyeballs or the fact that you never listen. So any cries of ‘indicate’ or ‘slow down’ or ‘stop eating a sandwich on the phone’ are to be ignored. And if they start suggesting directions, definitely ignore them even if they’re right – they might start thinking their opinion matters to you. 

Anything you’re constructing 

Be it a treehouse for the kids or a large salad, if you’re in the creative zone, your loved one’s opinion is void. They can’t see what you can see. They don’t know that any birthday cake can be saved with enough icing, no matter how burnt… or that your rotting garden shed is ideal to be converted into a DIY sauna. They’re just jealous of your slipshod creative skills. Yes, that’ll be it. 

Your drinking habits

If your partner so much as raises an eyebrow when you suggest another round or open another bottle, zone out before they even open their mouth. You already know what they’re going to say – they’ll complain about how boring you are when drunk and remind you it’s only 2pm blah blah blah. Encourage them and you’ll just get more trivial nit-picking about why you can’t stand up.

That thing you just asked their opinion about

Just because you specifically asked their opinion about your new jumper or whether they think it’s a good idea to have a beehive at the bottom of the garden and make your own honey doesn’t mean you intended to listen to the answer. Especially if it’s not the answer you wanted to hear. Frankly you wonder if they really love you if they can’t be arsed to read your mind. 

The fact you’re not listening to them 

If your partner complains that you promised to keep Saturday free for your mother-in-law’s birthday dinner, but didn’t, don’t listen. It’s just a bunch of cliches like ‘you never listen to me’. They should thank you for making them feel good about being right for once. And it IS just once. They’re wrong 99.99999 per cent of the time, as they should know.

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Hearing the word 'walk' is our cocaine, dogs confirm

A DOG who just heard its owner say the word ‘walk’ appears to have snorted a mountain of high-quality cocaine.

After accidentally saying ‘walk’ within earshot of his five-year-old Labrador, Bruce, James Bates was distraught to see the dog excitedly start bounding around the house, causing a trail of destruction.

As Bruce cannoned into a side-table, Bates said: “As every owner of a large, energetic dog knows, my existence is an incessant living hell.

“I was just innocently asking Alexa to play ‘Walk This Way’, and before I knew it, there was a five-stone beast hurtling about the house like a coked-up Charlie Sheen.”

Bruce said: “I can’t help it. As soon as I think I’m going on an amazing, exciting walk it’s like I’ve taken a massive hit from a crack-pipe and I start bouncing off the walls. The walk never lives up to expectations, but I’m a dog so I can’t make rational predictions about the future.

“Even if I hear you say something that sounds like ‘walk’ I go off my nut. The other day James was talking to his wife about the actor Christopher Walken, and I had to hurl myself around the living room and almost break the TV.”

Bates’ wife Lauren said: “When this gacked-up hound eventually dies, we’re getting a cat who doesn’t turn into Scarface at the end of the movie.”