WHILE some take up wild swimming and others knit, your mum’s favourite hobby is wearing down your spirit. Here’s how this week’s psychological warfare will go.
The phone call at work
Despite the fact that you’ve been a working adult for 15 years, your mum still can’t understand why you aren’t free at 2pm on a Monday for a 40-minute catch up. When you tell her your boss doesn’t like it, she’ll comment that she doesn’t see why that matters. It’s not as if you’ve got a proper job, like your cousin.
Ignoring her calls won’t get you off the hook. You’ll instead be sent stomach-dropping messages such as ‘Call back ASAP’ or the classic ‘Something’s happened!’. Turns out it will only be a story about your dad not being able to get a dentist appointment, but you rang back and that’s all that matters.
Passive-aggressive Facebook posts
If she isn’t getting your attention yet, your mum will dig out a photo of you aged seven, looking like an absolute dork, and post it with the caption ‘Back when mummy was still the centre of his world’. Sadly, this effort won’t have the impact she hopes for because no one apart from her and your weird Uncle Dennis looks at Facebook anymore.
Telling you your dad misses you
She’ll turn up the manipulation a notch higher by telling you your dad misses you terribly, but he’s too stoic to say anything. He was born in the 50s, you know, when men weren’t allowed to talk about their feelings, and you are terribly selfish for not being sensitive to this fact. When you do give him a ring he tells you to bugger off because he’s watching the Grand Prix.
‘You won’t have to worry about me when I’m dead’
Your mum isn’t afraid to go for the nuclear option and suggest that your life will be better once hers has ended. It’s not like you can agree, even though you’ll finally be able to sell that five-bedroom detached villa they insist they still need. It’s time to bow to her emotional terrorism and pay her a visit, if only so your inheritance remains intact.