The tragic lengths you'll go to for hot people

ATTRACTIVE people reduce you to a simpering, servile mess. Here are the pathetic things you’ll do to impress them:

Buy them dinner

Even if you’re not on a date with her, you’ll cover the cost of whatever the hot girl at your table has ordered. She’s so used to being bankrolled she doesn’t even do the performance of offering to split the bill. Meanwhile the unattractive pay their way with weary resignation. They know their place.

Try to improve yourself

Meaning sacrificing anything that’s part of your personality which the hot dude doesn’t like. You’ll find yourself doing traumatic activities like water-skiing or wine tasting if that’s what he’s into. Your wardrobe will change, your haircut will change, your outlook on life will change, and he’ll still go out with a former runway model.

Laugh at their jokes

The hot have never had to develop senses of humour to win acclaim, so all their jokes have no punchline and fall flat. They’ll signal that they’ve just told a joke by laughing at the end of a sentence, and you’ll follow suit in a pathetic attempt to one day see them naked. Everyone does it. It never works.

Do them a huge, inconvenient favour

You’ve booked the day off work to help the hot girl move a sofa into her new flat, breezily claiming ‘it’s no problem’ and ‘I’m free that day’. You hire a van, lug it up three flights of stairs, all because she won the genetic lottery, and your rewards is an hour of chat about this guy she fancies in a sushi bar.

Enter a long-term relationship

You don’t even really like this gorgeous guy, he’s got an awful personality and you have no interests in common. But for some inexplicable reason he likes you, so you’ve got no option but to marry, have kids and spend the rest of your life with him. It’ll be a miserable soul-destroying relationship, but who are you to deny the hot man?

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Seven British things visiting Americans whinge about

AMERICANS have vaguely heard there are other cultures but believe it just rumour. Here’s what they lose their shit about in the UK:

Manual gearboxes

Every single American drives an automatic car while in Britain automatic cars are regarded with suspicion and fear. So US tourists struggle with a clutch, while Brits abroad are giddy with excitement that they’ve hired an automatic and they have a fortnight without all that f**king about.

Roundabouts

It’s a staggeringly simple concept – pull out when the coast is clear, drive clockwise until you reach the exit you want, use your indicators unless you’re a BMW or van driver. Visiting Americans have been unable to cope with them for half a century. They can invade Iraq but they’d never take Milton Kenyes.

Free healthcare

Americans seem perplexed at a perverted system of healthcare that means you can get seriously ill and not lose your house. Brits, meanwhile, are astonished to find out that American doctors ask permission from insurance companies to save a life. And do not get it.

Hot and cold taps

One tap’s boiling hot and one’s freezing cold; the two-tap system makes absolutely no sense to us either. But it’s British, so anyone who dares criticise it is bang out of order. Mixer taps are the devil’s work and only seen in the homes of the despised middle-classes.

Tea

Americans hate tea with a passion. They hate it so much they threw it in Boston harbour and started a war with us, even though we’re great. However this has convinced them that all British people drink tea constantly, so they’re freaked out when we order coffee.

Beans on toast

Great if you like to pretend you’re cooking, Yanks make out like beans on toast are dog turds on a cow pat. This is a bit rich coming from the nation that gave the world cheese in a spray can, Pop Tarts and early-onset diabetes.

Police without guns

The idea of a policeman without a service weapon is laughable to US citizens convinced that only bullets stand between them and their certain murder. But be suspected of a crime and you’ll find our able police can hospitalise or even kill with no guns at all. What a win for Britain.

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