Third date best time for sex and revealing you're batsh*t insane

THE third date is the best moment to make a relationship physical and to unveil your collection of human skulls, experts believe. 

Relationship experts advise that by the third date the emotional bonds forged can be strengthened by intimacy before the really weird stuff comes to the surface.

Donna Sheridan said: “By the time I get to a third meeting, I know my date is at least slightly interested so I drop hints about sex later and also that I collect human skulls, largely of convicted criminals of the Victorian era.

“You’d be amazed how often the prospect of sex blinds them to anything else. Until the post-coital moment when they see the candlelight flickering in the polished empty sockets.

“It also allows them to relax and reveal more about their own lifestyles, for example when my date told me that he still lived at home and slept in a bunk bed with his 33-year-old brother.

“On a first date that would have me running for the hills but three dinners in I let it fly as I want a return on my investment in the shape of an erotic slave for my skull dungeon.”

Sheridan’s date Martin Bishop said: “I’m never leaving my bunk bed again.”

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How to survive a pandemic according to TV and films

THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about pandemics will be fine. Follow these tips:

Virus victims become zombies

99 per cent of viruses cause zombieism, with the sole exception being Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Once anyone’s infected there’s a short window before they attack you so stockpile weapons rather than following public health advice or visiting a doctor.

Someone close will secretly be infected

But who? While you wait for symptoms to develop, tie everyone to a chair or handcuff them to a water pipe. This might seem cruel to your children if it wasn’t exactly what you fantasised about doing every day of the half-term holiday.

Expect difficult ethical decisions

Escaping the virus will inevitably involve dilemmas such as whether to leave a seriously ill person behind. You can never just pop them in a shopping trolley and continue at broadly the same pace.

The car keys are in the sun visor

If you need to steal a vehicle to escape an area infected with coronavirus, the keys will be stored under the sun visor. The car will have petrol, the battery won’t be flat and you’ll drive happily away.

The military will be trying to kill you

Most viruses are military experiments gone awry, so when soldiers offer to help, run away. There’s no chance they are merely providing support to civilian emergency services and you will die in the woods unnecessarily when they could have just given you an injection.

Everyone will turn evil in a matter of days

Previously normal people will slit your throat for a Cup-a-Soup. The local scout leader will turn his troop into a cannibal cult. And the first person to mention ‘our solemn duty to repopulate the planet’ needs to get kicked in the nads, hard.