Twenty-something couple decide to f**k everything up by getting a puppy

A COUPLE have decided to ruin their home, the best years of their lives and ultimately their relationship by getting a dog. 

Joe Turner and Eleanor Shaw, despite being in their early twenties when they should be enjoying freedom they will never have again, have decided to tie themselves down to always being home, walks in the rain and picking up warm fresh shit with their hands.

Shaw said: “It’s going to be so much fun playing with our doggie, though not the kind of fun that involves a spontaneous night out partying, or any holidays that aren’t on a Camping and Caravanning Club site with UKIP-voting retirees.

“He’ll really make this house a home, which is good because we’ll be stuck in it forever due to most tenancy agreements banning pets.

“It’ll be a real shame when we split up because we both feel trapped and stifled by our relationship, by which we mean the never-ending responsibility and vet’s bills for the fucking dog.

“Of course, I’ll be heartbroken when I persuade my mum to take him on and immediately emigrate to make sure I never see that barking bastard ever again.

“Still, it’s all worth it for five months with a puppy.”