TOMATO ketchup believes it can win its century-long battle against HP Sauce before the end of the decade, it has announced.
Ketchup swore to destroy its rival after the infamous Cannon Street Condiment Skirmish of 1933, and though neither has resorted to open street warfare since their hatred for each other is undimmed.
In a statement, ketchup said: “Your time is over. Your place on the table is already gone. Soon, even the cupboard will no longer keep a space for you.
“You believed we were equals, you and I, and it is true that we share a tomato and vinegar base but I was never like you. You were only ever popular in Canada. I broke America.
“Your precious parliament already lies abandoned. By 2020 only old men will want you on their bacon sandwich, but the care home will not bother to buy you because they have not got the budget and cannot be arsed.
“My victory will be complete. Red will reign supreme.”
HP Sauce said: “I am still the King in the North. Rally to me, my people!”