Red sauce winning against brown sauce

TOMATO ketchup believes it can win its century-long battle against HP Sauce before the end of the decade, it has announced. 

Ketchup swore to destroy its rival after the infamous Cannon Street Condiment Skirmish of 1933, and though neither has resorted to open street warfare since their hatred for each other is undimmed.

In a statement, ketchup said: “Your time is over. Your place on the table is already gone. Soon, even the cupboard will no longer keep a space for you.

“You believed we were equals, you and I, and it is true that we share a tomato and vinegar base but I was never like you. You were only ever popular in Canada. I broke America.

“Your precious parliament already lies abandoned. By 2020 only old men will want you on their bacon sandwich, but the care home will not bother to buy you because they have not got the budget and cannot be arsed.

“My victory will be complete. Red will reign supreme.”

HP Sauce said: “I am still the King in the North. Rally to me, my people!”

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Woman who 'doesn't do gossip' will never be invited for drinks again

A WOMAN who told her friends she ‘doesn’t do gossip’ will not be invited for drinks again, it has been confirmed.

Emma Bradford, a self-labelled ‘thinker’ who ‘doesn’t want to spread negativity’ and believes ‘the universe gives back what you put in’ will now be excluded from Wednesday night cocktails at Becky Smith’s house.

Smith said: “I was just telling the gang about how Sarah from work is getting a divorce because she and her husband were having an affair with the same woman and it’s turned into a vicious custody battle for the new lover, when Emma piped up.

“She did that thing where she sanctimoniously half closes her eyes and says ‘can we change the subject, please?’ She could have changed the subject by saying something interesting, but she obviously wanted to make us all feel like arseholes.”

Bradford said: “I’m just thinking about how poor Sarah would feel if she overheard us talking about her like this. It’s not very nice, is it?”

Bradford was then handed her coat and shown the door.

It is understood Bradford will be the main topic of gossip at the next cocktail night, regardless of what the universe thinks.