DATING a progressive and thoughtful man? Convinced he’s not like all the other pigs? He still won’t ask these questions:
‘What are you thinking?’
Unless he’s exclaiming this question in furious disbelief as you try to fill up your diesel car with petrol, your boyfriend will never wonder what’s going on in your brain. That’s because he assumes your thought processes are as sporadic and sex-obsessed as his, with the odd blip where you wonder what Jason Statham’s up to these days.
‘Shall we visit your parents?’
Your boyfriend met your folks once two years ago, and is unlikely to request a reunion. If he does ask to meet up with them, it’s a huge red flag as he’s clearly trying to distract from some heinous crime. Dump him the second this question leaves his mouth.
‘Can I make it all about you tonight?’
A nice question, but fortunately never asked as your boyfriend learnt about sex through old issues of FHM, meaning you’d be in for an hour of awkward fumbling vaguely near your clitoris while he mentally pictures Carmen Electra. Much better to have a quickie and get back to watching Manifest.
Isn’t it my turn to clean everything?
Even though you make a loud performance of doing the hoovering, the washing up and the toilet bleaching, it will never occur to a boyfriend that he needs to help balance the scales. As far as he’s concerned, occasionally flushing the loo and talking about mowing the lawn counts as doing his bit.
‘Can we watch a Jane Austen adaptation?’
Has your boyfriend banged his head recently? Or does he mean Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? Because these are the only two reasons he would ask to sit through a film based on a Jane Austen novel. If he asks to watch Clueless then marry him instantly because the man’s got taste.