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What does your hastily chosen supermarket Valentine's card say about your relationship?

TOMORROW is Valentine’s day, and you also need milk and kitchen roll. What does the afterthought of a card you slip into the basket say about your love? 

£1.50 from Asda

Your relationship is as healthy as it’s ever been, given that neither of you really cares about it. There are children to feed, a mortgage to pay, and a lifelong partnership to be cursorily acknowledged. Tomorrow you will have sex in much the same ‘well, I suppose we should’ spirit. The climaxes will be satisfactory.

£3.75 from Sainsbury’s

It’s all falling apart. Your life, your relationship, your grip on yourself. There’s never enough f**king time or enough f**king money for anything, not like when you were younger and went on romantic citybreaks to Berlin. Now it’s all you can do to grab a card between one daughter’s dance rehearsal and the other’s viola lesson and shit, you forgot chocolates.

£2.50 from Tesco Metro

Casually picked up on the way to his flat, written in the foyer, presented semi-ironically in the expectation he’ll have forgotten and will have to make up for it with expensive alcohol and a takeaway, your relationship is doing fine because you’re the hot one in it and he doesn’t know about all the others.

£4.50 from Waitrose

You hate her. She hates you. Your marriage is a sham of icy formality. You will present this card, inside which you grimly note the number of years you have spent together, with a bottle of champagne. She will drink one glass then go to bed while you finish the bottle then move onto gin. Sex is unthinkable, but you can afford to shop at Waitrose.

£2.75 from Co-op

They only have the Co-op where you live and that’s a suitable symbol of your love, because if you’d had more choice you wouldn’t be together. But you didn’t, so you are, and it’s alright you suppose. You like having someone to watch telly with and he’s good at the pub quiz. Why expect more?

£4 from M&S Simply Food

Has the love died in your relationship? You don’t know, you haven’t checked, but you’d assume you’d have noticed the smell and left a note for the cleaner. Going through the motions? Yes, well that’s what life is, isn’t it? They do a very good meal deal here for the big night. Goes well with the mutual oral while thinking of other people later.

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How to wank safely in icy conditions

THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.

Remain indoors

As tempting as it is to rub one out while making a snow angel, it’s a good rule of thumb to stay inside while masturbating. Feeling the winter air waft through your pubes while you have a hand shandy might sound thrilling and kinky, but you could slip on an icy patch or get slapped with a public indecency order. Stick to your toasty, crusty bed.

Remember to de-ice your genitals

It’s tedious and impractical if you’re trying to squeeze a quick fiddle into your lunchbreak, but it’s a crucial part of the process. If the shaft or clit has not been suitably thawed out then there’s a chance they could snap off in their frozen state. Perching them above – not on – a storage heater for 20 minutes should get your private parts to a state that scientists call ‘wank ready’.

Don’t use boiling water

Pouring water fresh from the kettle over your groin isn’t the quick fix that people would have you believe. Scalding water tends to feel excruciating when it flows over dicks and fannies, and no ambulance will be able to come out and patch you up because the roads will be f**ked. If you’re really in a rush, chisel off the ice with your debit card.

Wear thick thermal layers

Safety rarely looks sexy. But just as a cycle helmet protects your brain from splattering all over the pavement, thick woollen clothing worn from head to toe will keep you safe during chilly bouts of self-abuse. The last thing you want is to freeze to death mid-session, only to be found by archaeologists years later like Ötzi the Iceman.

Watch summer-themed smut

It’s important to keep your mind as well as your body safe from the wintery weather. This leaves you no alternative but to watch pornstars frolicking around poolsides as the LA sun beats down on their toned, lithe bodies. If your partner catches you gooning over this filth they can’t be mad at you either, you’re simply taking a sensible precaution.

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