THINK your relationship with your girlfriend is private? Guess again. Here’s how every detail is being discussed on the group chat:
GIRLFRIEND: OK so I finally met his mother and that explains A. LOT. [three see no evil emoji]
HER FRIEND: did he inherit his weird bendy dick from her? lol [crying with laughter emoji]
G: no but the way he follows me around talking to me about boring shit nobody wants to hear about even when I’m trying to take a dump
HER HOT FRIEND: does he still take his t-shirt off to have a shit?
G: yeah but anyway do you know how hard it is to watch porn on my phone when he’s outside the door arsing on about thundercats the reboot or whatever?
HF: porn? aren’t you getting any [series of random yet apparently sexual emoji]
HHF: you can tell hes limp dick from his insta [pinching hand emoji]
G: he still manages it but so unimaginative. like I’m not asking for wild abandon but the same stuff in the same order every time? like it’s a timed Olympic event
HF: disappointing scores from the judges on the 3 mins obligatory oral there
G: he gets tired after 2m 43s. I’ve timed it
HHF: i still havent recovered from those pictures of his hairy back
HHF: like an angels wings but of hair
G: this is why I prefer being on top, i pretend i’m not shagging bigfoot
HHF: nothin big about that chode
G: aw he’s sweet really. he’s nice to me. okay so he’s not all that in bed, or to look at. And I feel like I’m settling
HF: and he doesn’t earn anything and hes boring as shit lol
G: your long term committed partner thinks you dont know about his porn stash or that he paid £600 for a pokemon card
HF: good point. okay when are we next out? is crooked cock coming?
HHF: he always does, too early [water droplets eomji, woman facepalming emoji]
G: next weekend? i forget neither of you have met him. we’ll see you then
YOUR MUM: I don’t think I’m meant to be in this chat. How do I leave?