What your girlfriend and her mates are saying about you on the group chat

THINK your relationship with your girlfriend is private? Guess again. Here’s how every detail is being discussed on the group chat:

GIRLFRIEND: OK so I finally met his mother and that explains A. LOT. [three see no evil emoji]
HER FRIEND: did he inherit his weird bendy dick from her? lol [crying with laughter emoji]
G: no but the way he follows me around talking to me about boring shit nobody wants to hear about even when I’m trying to take a dump
HER HOT FRIEND: does he still take his t-shirt off to have a shit?
G: yeah but anyway do you know how hard it is to watch porn on my phone when he’s outside the door arsing on about thundercats the reboot or whatever?
HF: porn? aren’t you getting any [series of random yet apparently sexual emoji]
HHF: you can tell hes limp dick from his insta [pinching hand emoji]
G: he still manages it but so unimaginative. like I’m not asking for wild abandon but the same stuff in the same order every time? like it’s a timed Olympic event
HF: disappointing scores from the judges on the 3 mins obligatory oral there
G: he gets tired after 2m 43s. I’ve timed it
HHF: i still havent recovered from those pictures of his hairy back
HHF: like an angels wings but of hair
G: this is why I prefer being on top, i pretend i’m not shagging bigfoot
HHF: nothin big about that chode
G: aw he’s sweet really. he’s nice to me. okay so he’s not all that in bed, or to look at. And I feel like I’m settling
HF: and he doesn’t earn anything and hes boring as shit lol
G: your long term committed partner thinks you dont know about his porn stash or that he paid £600 for a pokemon card
HF: good point. okay when are we next out? is crooked cock coming?
HHF: he always does, too early [water droplets eomji, woman facepalming emoji]
G: next weekend? i forget neither of you have met him. we’ll see you then
YOUR MUM: I don’t think I’m meant to be in this chat. How do I leave?

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Woman who has never sat up straight in her life wondering why her back hurts

A WOMAN who has the posture of a prawn cannot find a reason for her mysteriously persistent back pain.

Hannah Tomlinson is at a loss as to the cause of her constant lumbar agony, despite the fact she always sits bent double over her desk with her spine curved over like Quasimodo.

Tomlinson said: “Every day I have this strange discomfort in my lower back. It always kicks in when I sit completely slouched down in my chair to the point where my head is level with the desk. Wish I knew where it came from.

“Then, bizarrely, as I enter the fifth consecutive hour hunched over my laptop while making no effort to straighten myself out, my shoulders start to ache, too. I wonder if the two are connected.

“I’ve tried everything to ease the pain, from curling over while sitting on an ergonomic chair, to buying but not using an orthopaedic pillow and even thinking about seeing a chiropractor, but none of it’s worked. My back clearly can’t be helped so I’ll have to suffer forever.”

Friend Jack Browne, said: “I’ve literally never seen Hannah sit in a remotely upright position. I can’t picture what she looks like with her chin up and her shoulders back, and I doubt she can anymore.”