Where's your bloody husband pissed off to now? Take our quiz

NEED some help with chores and your husband’s nowhere to be found? Find out where he’s pissed off to with our handy quiz. 

Have you checked the garden?

A) No sign of him. And there’s still the clothes on the washing line he said he’d take in. Add this to your mental list of his failures to present to him when you do find him.

B) If you haven’t checked yet because you’re busy making dinner, hoovering and helping the kids with their homework, he’s probably wandering about outside, staring at a hedge like a sort of shit Monty Don.

Is he in the car?

A) No the car’s empty and as filthy as usual. Add ‘cleaning out all the sandwich wrappers from the passenger footwell’ to your list of chores.

B) There he is! He’s reached the age as a man where he’ll sometimes just go and sit in their car for a while. Probably best not to question this weird habit, although you’d love to know what the appeal is.

Are his running shoes missing?

A) His barely-used running shoes are still in the porch, so, unfortunately, he hasn’t been seized by the desire to listen to you and his doctor and suddenly massively change his lifestyle.

B) Yes. He’s gone on one of his ‘runs’, where he spends five minutes jogging to the nearest Greggs before walking back eating two sausage rolls. 

Are his golf clubs gone?

A) Nope, they’re still in the shed, so it’s unlikely he’s nipped off to the driving range. Though you wouldn’t put it past the dopey prick to have accidentally driven there without them.

B) Yes. So he’s headed to the driving range on the one night you asked him to look after the kids so you could go out. Remember to ask your friend the name of her great divorce lawyer while you book a babysitter.

Is the key bowl empty?

A) Nope, his house keys are still where they should be. Although there’s every possibility he f**ked off down the pub and just forgot to take them. Enjoy ignoring the doorbell when he turns up pissed at 1am.

B) His keys are gone but none of his other belongings are. He’s definitely at the pub. You have a strong temptation to gather up all his stuff and drop them off for him while a workman is changing the locks.

Are his football boots there?

A) His boots are still in the hall, muddy as ever. Hopefully he’s just upstairs playing FIFA, at least there’s less chance he’ll put himself out of parenting action by breaking a metatarsal this way.

B) It seems he’s joined a new amateur team on the last night you have the skip outside. Fantasise about the affair you’ll have while you single-handedly load a futon into a skip.

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The worst snacks to sit next to on a train

YOU’VE boarded the train and are tackling the obstacle course of the aisle while looking for a seat. For Christ’s sake don’t sit down next to these types of snack.

The smelly one 

Sitting next to a packet of smoked mackerel or a stinking bake full of mechanically recovered beef slop is a circle of hell Dante would have written about if they’d had trains in the 14th century. It’s just as torturous if the snacks smell good – enjoy standing for two hours while being wafted with some utter bastard’s freshly baked cookie or nice piece of pizza.  

The oozy one 

Ketchup-filled burgers and loaded burritos do not make good travelling companions. Mainly because you won’t be able to look away from the disgusting spectacle of their consumption, like watching a snake eating a mouse. Staring intently at someone could also make you look like a pervert, or, worse still, they may want to go on a date.

The splashy one

Keep an eye out for anything liquid: soup from a flask that’ll leap out of the cup on a bend, soy sauce that might be mis-squirted. And never squeeze into a two-seater alongside some prissy ‘My life is really together’ twat in a suit wrestling with a pre-prepared salad. The garlic and herb dressing is for their boring greenery, not the arm of your hoodie.

The children’s one 

Where there are children’s snacks there are children. And nobody wants to be trapped near one of those on a long journey. Least of all one that is eating. Or, more correctly: crunching, dribbling, drooling, dropping and screaming. They may offer to share a biscuit with you, which is a nice gesture, but you don’t fancy the snot and spit topping they’ve added.

The delicious one

Worst of all is committing to a window seat next to a snack that looks so good you spend the journey salivating: a fragrant cinnamon bun from a fancy bakery or some Chinese food the devious swine has bought outside the station. And all you’ve got is an old cereal bar in your rucksack. Who knew life could be so cruel?