Why your partner is f**king wrong about the central heating

IS your partner insisting on turning on the central heating against your wishes? Here’s how to put them right about ‘being cold’.

It’s not winter

They claim it’s winter already, but it is clearly not. The sun was out yesterday for 10 whole minutes. You’re just wearing this jumper and scarf because you like them.

They think you don’t notice when they sneakily turn the heating on

Do they think they’re some kind of ninja, tiptoeing to the heating controls and pressing the ‘on’ button, in violation of all known relationship laws? Do they think you won’t notice that the house has turned into a sauna?

There’s this mad concept called ‘wearing warm clothes’

Your partner walks around in T-shirt and shorts then complains they are cold. Explain the concept of ‘warm clothes making you warm’, and don’t take any crap. Make them wear a duffle coat in bed if necessary.

They are showing a lack of respect

It’s pathetic that your partner declines to come and study the smart meter to see how much energy they are using. Threaten to report them to Greenpeace, even if they mutter that you have turned into your father.

They left the door open

Maybe only for a few seconds, but this is why they are cold, not because of the extremely low temperatures outside. It’s just not on to imperil your relationship and the future of the planet with their wanton love of warmth. Threaten them with divorce.

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The professional Northerner's guide to more Covid restrictions

WITH a Covid clampdown in the North likely, Yorkshire resident Martin Bishop explains what will happen with a large dose of sentimentality and a chip on his shoulder.

Not mixing with other households

This is a bloody bugger for the close-knit communities of the North, where whole streets refuse to lock their front doors in case someone needs to pop in for a sympathetic brew or to borrow a pie. They’ll give you back two pies the next day, and I am not making that up.  

Pubs closing

All Northern pubs are full of friendly people supporting each other, so this is a blow. Luckily we’re dead hard – unlike Southerners – and will simply get cans and drink them outside in the freezing rain while casually discussing how warm it is. 

Not being allowed to travel elsewhere in the UK

Not a problem. I don’t want to live in a massive glass tower in London, which is where all Londoners live. The rest of the South is a government-subsidised paradise on Earth, but you won’t find me poncing it up in la-di-da Watford.

Restaurants closed

You can take your trendy restaurant food and stick it up your arse. I only go to a restaurant once a week for simple Northern fare consisting of marinaded chicken and lamb accompanied by saag paneer, coriander and mushroom rice, spiced cauliflower, fresh flatbreads and a saffron mousse, with an occasional dessert wine. 

‘Tier-three lockdown’

What the bloody hell is a tier-three lockdown? Sounds a bit fancy to me. But don’t worry – we’ll get through it with our Northern community spirit. A deadly pandemic and endless soul-crushing lockdown isolation will be fine once we’ve all had a nice cup of tea.